When I visited New England last month, I got to spend some time with my little sister, Michelle. She’s my dad’s daughter from his second marriage, so she’s my half-sister. I was surprised to learn that she thinks that she will be married more than once. It’s a given. She’ll get married, she thinks, one day. And then she’ll get a divorce. And then, presumably, she’ll get married again.
This seems completely mind-boggling to me. How can you even conceive of getting married if you think - if you assume - that it will not work? I felt like I was communicating with someone from another planet. She told me that most of her peers feel the same way: You get married to the wrong person, get a divorce, and then find the right person.
When I was her age - granted: over a decade ago - I never would have imagined that. When I was a little kid, when I was younger, when I was anything before now, I thought for sure that what happened was that you got old, met someone you liked, got married, and lived happily ever after.
Now. I’ll admit that I didn’t have any real reason to believe that. One set of grandparents was divorced. My parents were divorced. Almost everyone I knew had divorced parents. My dad would - soon enough - be divorced for a second time. But for some reason I believed. Maybe I thought that my parents’ generation was an aberration. Some fluke of the sixties. I don’t know what I thought. But I always remember thinking that there was no way I would end up … well … like them.
I am smarter.
I am more feeling.
I am more loving.
I am more wise.
I am better.
I am fucking different.
Hubris, table for one?
This morning in a courtroom three thousand miles away from Los Angeles, a man I’ve never seen represented me before another man I’ve never seen and - if I may put words in their mouths - announced that I am no smarter, no more feeling, no more loving, no more wise, no better, no different … than either of my parents. Or any of the other hundreds of people in relationships that I’ve known and I thought I was … well … not like.
I am now an ex-husband. I now have an ex-wife.
And I really don’t know what else to say about that.
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Wow… something I needed to read and I thank you for sharing.
((( mav )))
I thought I was smarter, wiser and I thought love would conquer all. I will soon have 2 ex husbands, I hate the word divorce and I still believe in love. I want to believe in forever and I want to believe I will find my soulmate and lover . Thanks for your thoughtful comments…it touched a nerve.
There is some validity to the story of the “tree of knowledge” in the Bible. In forbidding Adam to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge, God was saying there are some things that I would rather you didn’t know, because they are painful, because I love you, and you need to trust my good judgement in these things.Well, I am sorry you had to “know” what you now “know”. The initial pain of alienation from the one you thought was “the one”, the pain of recrimination and guilt, and the enduring pain of being “sadder but wiser”. I could have forbidden you to marry her, but I didn’t and probably couldn’t have anyway. So, I am sorry that you have tasted that bitter fruit, and can only hope that you will use your creativity, and your good and seeking heart, to transform the experience into something redemptive which will benefit others, and in doing so, contribute to your own personal growth. I am proud of your openness and journey of self discovery and love you dearly.Dad
Reading that last entry made me realize something: my Dad SUCKS.
My heart is with you.I’m glad your dad shared his thoughts with you. I think it’s safe to say that whatever happened to his and my relationship, the result of the love we shared was you and Jen, and I am awed every day by the miracle that you two are.I guess what I’m saying is that every road we take is part of the journey that is unique to each of us, and there is no part of that journey that can’t ultimatley bring us joy if we are open to it. I know you are, and I hope you will always stay open to all life has to offer.Regret? Probably a waste of valuable time. Just a choice, or choices, you made, just steps on the road, chances to grow, moments to treasure. Remembrance? Wistfulness? Sometimes bittersweet, sometimes sad, sometimes overwhelming. Pieces of you.And you are remarkable!You are caring; you have a huge heart; you are wise and foolish; brilliant; childlike; ancient; funny; courageous and scared; and exactly what you are supposed to be in your niche in the universe.Nothing is ending - it is only becoming part of the fabric that is your life. And every thread is important to tomorrow.I love you, David.
I am astounded and overjoyed that both of my parents visit my web site *and* post comments.I want to say something that I think is important, though: I do not consider my relationship with Sylvia a “waste of valuable time”. Could I possibly consider my parents’ marriage a waste of time? No. Without that relationship I would not exist! I think that I was blessed to have a relationship with Sylvia.
you are ineed a lucky guy to have this overwhelming support from your family.reminds me of what a disfunctional relationship i have with my parents, although it’s not all their fault.
wow. you are a fortunate man to have such loving parents. i kinda feel like i’ve overheard a couple of private conversations here. but it has reminded me how important support from my family is to me. thank you.
I remember crying for days when my divorce was final. It wasn’t because I was relieved it was over, or hoped that it had kept going…I cried because I thought that I could make it work. Surely if I loved enough, gave enough, pursued enough, was kind enough, beautiful enough…it would work out.Things like divorce don’t happen in my family. I had the first divorce in three generations.I still mourne over what was and what cannot be, but I do not regret the experiences I had and the lessons I learned.The most important lesson is this: You are no better than anyone else. No matter what you do or say, the same things can befall you as the next guy.
So, er …. are you dating yet?
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