False Authority Syndrome
Once again I found myself in trouble at the Los Angeles International Airport, and once again it was (arguably) my own damn fault. Last Thursday I flew Southwest to Providence, Rhode Island to testify in court on behalf of my dad, who was in the midst of a textbook “frivolous lawsuit”. I detest being late in general, and even more so when it comes to flying. I am the guy that gets to the airport at least two hours in advance. My adventure began almost as soon as I got out of my friend’s car.
I was told by the Southwest skycaps at the curbside check-in that my flight was canceled. “What?! Why?!” I exclaimed. I was told by the first skycap that it was because of inclement weather in Rhode Island. He directed me to his superior, who told me that it was because of a mechanical problem with the plane. (Much later in the day I would be told that the flight was canceled because there simply weren’t enough people wanting to fly from LA to Providence that day to justify sending an entire plane on the route.) She took my luggage and got me on the next flight, due to leave for Phoenix in three hours.
Quite a bummer. Now instead of what I guessed would be an hour and a half of wandering the terminal I would be faced with two and a half hours of airport life. If you add to that the fact that I usually manage to grab about three hours of sleep the nights before I fly — the better to go unconscious as soon as the plane is in the air — you can understand why I’d be grumpy. I humped my golf clubs and suitcase to the TSA’s first line of defense: The X-Ray Machine That Could Scan an Elephant. The boys manning this monstrosity were kind and quick. They did forget to tell me that they had finished bombarding my bags with radiation, so I had to stand there and wait for about ten minutes until they remembered I was there. But I can forgive that. There was nobody else in the area waiting to have bags scanned, so they may have just thought I was pleasantly fascinated by staring at them.
(According to their website the slogan of the TSA is “Vigilant, Effective, Efficient”. I almost thought it was supposed to be a joke. Those are maybe the three words in the English language that I would least associate with the TSA.)
This is where the fun begins. When I got to the airport it was 11 o’clock in the morning. I was wearing sunglasses. It is pretty damn sunny in LA most mornings at 11 o’clock. My rapt attention to the bag-scanning process and my overall grumpiness caused me to forget that I was wearing my sunglasses inside the airport. As far as I know, however, this is not even remotely illegal. It may not be chic or cool, but there are probably more people in LA that wear their sunglasses indoors than any other city on the planet, so it wasn’t exactly outrageous for me to not remove them. Unencumbered by my luggage, I sauntered towards the monolithic stairs leading to the “real” security line. This part annoys me.
You have a flight of stairs. At the top of this flight of stairs there is a security officer who confirms that the security officer at the bottom of the stairs has confirmed that you have a photo ID (link 1, link 2) and a boarding pass. It is physically impossible to get to the top of these stairs without having first been at the bottom of these stairs. There is nobody magically jumping into the middle of the stairs that could have avoided the security officer at the bottom of the stairs. I am forced to assume that the redundancy is in place because the top-of-the-stairs security officers have decided that the bottom-of-the-stairs security staff is untrustworthy or vice versa. And do I really need to get into a rant about how each and every one of the 9/11 hijackers had a valid photo ID and boarding pass? Unless both the top-of-the-stairs and the bottom-of-the-stairs security officers have photographic memories and have memorized the names of all potential terrorists I can’t imagine what the point is of being so fanatical about the whole double confirmation of boarding passes, because all they do it look at your ID and boarding pass.
There were actually four security officers at the bottom of the stairs. “Real” security officers are probably insulted that we use the term to refer to TSA employees, and I sympathize with them. On staff this day were four Latino women — girls, really, not one of them was older than 20 or taller than 5′2″ — who barely spoke English. Now, understand, that even when I am in a bad mood I am still one of the most cheerful men you’re ever likely to meet. That goes triple if you work in a terribly unsatisfying job like checking boarding passes and identification when you just know that bitch at the top of the stairs is going to double-check your work every time. I have worked in crap jobs and I always try to be pleasant. “Good morning,” I smiled at Alisha, handing her my California driver’s license and printed-from-the-internet-but-ridiculously-easily-forged (link 1, link 2, link 3, link 4, link 5, link 6, link 7) Southwest boarding pass.
She smiled at me, checked that the name on my license matched the name on my boarding pass, and used a yellow hi-liter to mark the boarding pass with what looked exactly like a one-inch line. (Do I need to tell you that they sell yellow hi-liters in just about every single store in America?) As she handed “my papers” back to me, she paused. She looked me in the eyes. She smiled. And then she said, “I can’t see your eyes.”
I raised my hand to my face to remove my sunglasses and stopped. She wasn’t smiling because she was nice. She was smiling because she was suffering from False Authority Syndrome! The poor child. In the most disarming, rational, peaceful, and kind voice at my command, I said, “You don’t need to see my eyes.”
“You have to remove your sunglasses, sir.”
“No, actually, I don’t.”
“I can’t let you past here with your sunglasses on.”
“Yes, you can.”
At this point she became obviously frustrated and confused. She looked at me as if I was a freshly-shaved Osama bin Laden in a sports coat and khakis. She became stern. “Take them off, please.”
“There’s no law that says I can’t wear my sunglasses in the airport. ma’am”
“Yes, there is. It’s a rule.”
“It’s not a rule.”
“It is. I can’t let you pass.”
“Yes, you can.”
She took my boarding pass and used her yellow hi-liter to turn the line into an X. An X of shame and potential threat. She called to the top-of-the-stairs officer, “Threat alert!”
No, I’m not kidding. Then she let me go up the stairs. At this point I expected to get into an argument with the top-of-the-stairs woman. I didn’t care. I had two hours to kill and I wasn’t in the mood to be pushed around by the TSA. But surprisingly LeVonda did nothing even remotely antagonistic. In fact she let me get into the extra short special security line! This was a bonus! Instead of standing in the “general” line with the hundreds of non-sunglasses wearing rubes, I got to get into the fast lane!
The fast lane was occupied by a mother and her three children, a very, very tall black man, and a guy that looked like the most average, generic businessman possible. I didn’t feel like any of them could in any way be as much of a threat as I was, but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover. We merrily zipped through the metal detector and had our carry-on bags x-rayed.
The carry-on bag x-ray is my favorite part of flying and has been since long before 9/11. I haven’t gotten on an airplane without a pocket knife since I was a Boy Scout. If my plane goes down, dammit, I will not be stranded on a desert island without any way of cracking into a coconut! Ever since 9/11 I’ve carried at least two, and sometimes three, back-up pocket knives. I’ve flown about thirty times since then, and only one time was one of my knives confiscated. For this flight I had two, and they both went undetected.
But now a wrinkle! I wasn’t allowed to get my bags. A tremendously grumpy guy grabbed my bag, my laptop, my jacket, and my shoes and gave me the double-ultra shakedown. He went through every pocket of my briefcase. He went through my jacket. He looked in my shoes. (He did not, I should note, ask me to remove my sunglasses.) He never smiled. He was a serious TSA. There was a uniformed LAPD officer standing nearby as well, but he looked like he just enjoyed standing there and flexing and wasn’t very interested in all of the potential threats to national security that were being given the what-for by the TSA.
The TSA double-security checker was not about to let me get past him. He knew I was a bad guy. I had a water bottle. I wasn’t hiding it or anything, I just honestly forgot that liquids are dangerous nowadays. He held it in front of my face like it was a Nazi membership card that he’d found in my blazer. “You know you can’t have this, right?”
I almost — almost — said something snarky about how it was cool that he didn’t care about my Swiss Army knife or my Leatherman tool. Instead my reply was, “Oh, yeah, right. Sorry about that.” I reached for the water bottle, saying, “I’ll just chug that now.”
You would have thought I pulled an UZI out of my ass at this point. He literally jumped backwards and told me, “Don’t come any closer!”
I laughed. I did. I couldn’t help it. It was absurd. I looked at the LAPD officer and said, “Is he serious?” The policeman looked at me as if he was very sorry and trying to not laugh himself. He walked a little bit closer towards us but said nothing.
“Dude. It’s water. I’ll drink it right now.”
“I can’t let you do that. You have to throw it away.”
“What? Why? I’m going to drink it. I’ll drink the whole thing. Right now. Right in front of you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“It’s against the law.”
“What law?”
“You can’t drink in the security area at the airport.”
Now this is where I got mad. “There is no law that says I can’t drink water in the security area of the airport!” I looked at the cop, “Is there?” The cop said, “I have no jurisdiction where you are. You’re not on LA property.”
This seemed pretty silly to me. What the hell was he doing there if he wasn’t allowed to do anything? But whatever. He was a cool cop and I didn’t have any beef with him. I looked back at the TSA guy and said, “Show me the law.”
He stared bolts of fire into my skull and said, “I don’t have to show it to you. It’s the law.”
“Uh.”
Yes, I really did say, “Uh.”
“There’s no law, man,” I said.
He said — and I swear I am not making any of this up — “It’s an SSI and I am not required to show it to you.”
“What is an SSI? Are you kidding? This is America. You can’t enforce a law without showing it to me. I never voted on any law about drinking water in the security area of the airport. There is no such law.” I really, really wanted to ask him if SSI stood for Super Secret Information, but I forgot.
“I can’t let you drink this water.”
“Fine. Throw it away. I don’t care. It’s an unopened bottle of water that I am willing to drink right in front of you. But whatever.”
“I can’t throw it away. You have to throw it away.”
I picked up my bags and walked away.
For quite some time I noticed that the person who I assumed to be the top TSA guy was following me around Brookstone. I had a tail! I had a pretty good time making him think I was trying to “lose him” for a little while. Then my girlfriend called and I forgot about him and he was gone.
Good times.
(The jury returned a unanimous decision in my dad’s favor, by the way.)
November 2, 2006 Update:
I have gotten quite a few angry responses to this post recently. I’d like to note a few things about this experience:
- The Southwest terminal was surprisingly slow that day. My actions did not cause any trouble for anyone other than the TSA.
- I hate long lines at the airport just as much as you do. If at any point I felt like I was going to be creating a bottleneck I was prepared to just “drop it”. If you read what I wrote carefully you’ll understand that I was shuffled to a separate queue.
- Matching my face to the image on my driver’s license accomplishes nothing.
- Please note that I said that I was told that my flight from LAX to PVD was canceled because there weren’t enough people for the flight. I don’t claim to know anything about airline routes.
- Several comments have noted that there are no direct LAX-PVD flights on Southwest. My original flight was, in fact, supposed to include a stop in Phoenix. I apologize if I was not clear on that point in my post.
October 25th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
This is yet the best blog i think i have read in forever! I guess its because something similiar happened to me and yet i laughed about it forever! I often read your blogs, the humor makes me laugh. i have been reading them maybe for awhile now and i guess maybe that is why you are ranked what #46! I am glad to hear about your dad and the unanimous decision!!!
I guess its fun to know someone has almost the same life and humor i do. I came across your blogs awhile back and i read them and got hooked! lol funny i know but still its like a little memoirs of david and soon i hope to watch the movie. hmm.. who knows.. Hope to hear from you soon.. love.. Krissy
October 26th, 2006 at 1:17 am
I was reading this and the whole time I thought you were going to launch into the “What if I was a bombardier” speech from meet the parents. Too funny! By the way…you are missing the Fl/Ga game this weekend. Doran and I are going on Saturday. Want to fly over
October 26th, 2006 at 7:31 am
Gotta love “security” that makes nobody secure.
November 1st, 2006 at 11:50 pm
This almost makes me want to head over to the US just to mess with the TSA. Bit of a trip from Australia though, plus who knows, I might have snuck through some koalas trained as guerillas. Probably beats monkeys trained as security guards though.
November 1st, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Something similar happened to my brother because he brought a microscope kit on board. Fortunately before he could view a slide and bring the plane down security got to him. He had spent around 3 hours being intimidated, I mean interrogated and was not allowed to bring it with him.
The TSA officer must have mistook your unopened bottle of water for improperly refrigerated carrot juice. We all know how deadly carrots can be.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:02 am
Way to go, Spartacus. You browbeat some annoying TSA guys because you didn’t want to take off your sunglasses or toss a bottle of water. Only now can the world see the truth. Where will the revolution take you next?
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:03 am
Seems like an awful lot of wasted energy to prove a whole lotta nothin’. Of course, I couldn’t make it through the whole thing without skipping over big chunks.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:04 am
I wrote a very logical, thorough response to your problem (I thought TSA was right to be suspicious of someone who was argumentative and refused to remove his sunglasses), but your “security” system destroyed it. Yup, I must have mis-read one of the characters in your pass-code and my comment was rejected. When I did as instructed, the comment was gone.
Gotta love that “security” that works worse than the TSA.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:11 am
thanks. i’m completely convinced that you are an grating insolent prick and i hope i never have the unpleasant experience of meeting you.
in between your petyy gripes you actually pointed out the most important factor of the crowded airport experience(and LAX is indeed one of the worst) - the the security employees have a consummately crappy job. yet you spare no effort in second guessing them from a COMPLETELY uninformed standpoint.
the woman asked to see your eyes because she wanted to match your face to your drivers license(next time carry the uniform identification of a passport maybe? hello?) and you can’t lift your glasses?!!?!
what are you 12? no, wait - 10?
at the airport each and everyone of us is confronted with a negative. here’s some advice: try to turn it into a positive. be civil, pleasant, accomodating, and friendly and everyone around you will benefit. that advice goes well past events at the airport too. it would behoove you to follow is in all aspects of ones life.
people either grow old with grace or become bitter. check yourself.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:49 am
Hm. I just went through LAX with my sunglasses on (prescription), and nobody said nothing.
Than again, maybe it was my aircrew ID badge that got me through.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:22 am
You’re lucky you didn’t have any toothpaste. I had a similar experience on a roundtrip journey from LAX to SFO: for me it wasn’t sunglasses, but the fact that my ticket had my last name and first name switched by the useless AmEx travel agent. I got SSSS in the bottom right corner of the boarding pass for the incredibly serious danger this posed, and sure enough, I got the high speed line with the extra searches and the superduper multimillion dollar vacuum treatment.
It’s Kafka, Orwell, HST, and Python (Monty) all in one. There’s also the story of taking a schnoodle puppy on the Gold Line and the four cruiser, eight officer plus canine unit response that met us at South Pasadena…
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Or you just won’t fit in to our joyful security state.
November 2nd, 2006 at 2:03 am
F***, LAX is the most horrible airport, ever.
November 2nd, 2006 at 3:01 am
Something less funy,
The last 12 times I went through the US customs it was so degrading and frustrating that I closed our Chicaho offices (37 staff). I moved our North America offices to Canada…
Let’s hope this silly business is over soon… The terrorists have already won, they have disrupted our lives!
Bah!
November 2nd, 2006 at 3:03 am
Just take your f*****g sunglasses off man, you’re the kind of person I get stuck behind in the queue at the airport that holds up everyone else while on your own personal crusade to try to justify your ego-tistical actions.
F*** you.
November 2nd, 2006 at 3:26 am
*sigh* Typical. I have to take a flight on Saturday to LAX from Pittsburgh International, so perhaps the trip TO LAX will be better than the trip FROM.
I guess he figured if you opened the bottle of water and drank it, it would mix with super secret terrorist chemicals in your stomach and cause you to collapse like a neutron star.
November 2nd, 2006 at 3:34 am
I’m sure you’ll get lots of sympathetic comments… but my honest reaction is that you seemed determined to get into a pissing-contest.
November 2nd, 2006 at 4:14 am
“SSI” stands for Super Stupid Idiocy.
November 2nd, 2006 at 4:35 am
Maybe you are one of the nicest guys I’ll ever met, like you said. But you sure do sort of come off like a dick. You’re probably right about everything you said. Still, being a prick about it obviously isn’t going to fix the problem. Perhaps better than mindlessly obeying. Still, I hope there’s a point that’s somewhere in-between sheeple and douche-bag.
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:26 am
Water bottle? Could be a dangerous chemical. Sunglasses? They are training TSA people to read micro-expressions on peoples faces…. say to spot a stressed or nervous highjacker. To say nothing of identification reasons to take them off. What if you were to be on a plane and a highjacking was prevented because of a “needless” request to take off your sunglasses? Or a plane with your Mother, family, girlfriend on board? Sure security is not perfect…… but to rail against the most obvious thing there is? Sounds like someone has a complex about authority… usually a sign of inherent insecurity.
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:35 am
just take off you stupid sunglasses…
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:45 am
I just wrote about an incident like this — my TSA agent called over a cop because I didn’t want to give up my (deadly) lip gloss.
I love False Authority Syndrome.
Brilliant.
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:52 am
Thanks for sharing this hilarious story! The water bottle part and the following afterwards are great
I think I would have acted in a same way, trying to actually get a look at these “laws”. There is only one way to describe such a behavior of authorities: security by obscurity.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:03 am
You’re an idiot.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:23 am
I certainly don’t agree with these b******t laws that TSA were making up on the spot (I don’t do much air travel and live in the UK so have thankfully never had to experience them) but I wouldn’t like to be the poor soul who serves you on the day you get out of the wrong side of bed.
I know it may sound like a defence of these guys, but the TSA is made up of people - most of them under trained just like any job it seems. The difference is that right now people who represent the TSA are in the blogosphere spotlight.
People make up b******t rules all the time - sometimes because they have been under trained and think some hearsay rule they spit out at you is real, or because they have an obstinate, rude guy in front of them who confuses them.
I know that some of the jobs I’ve worked in dealing customers it can be very hard sometimes when they are being tricky to stick to the rules.
However, importantly the expectation that people have of the TSA is:
1) it’s inept
2) it’s tyranical
3) it’s fascist
4) it doesn’t work
now what about the expectation TSA workers have of theirselves. Possibly something like this:
1) I just want to get on and work.
2) I don’t get paid enough for this s**t.
3) I wasn’t trained to deal with smart asses who think they know better than me.
even
4) I want to do my job well so that no-one gets hurt on a flight.
It seems these days that TSA pot-shots are a national past time of Americans. It gives geeks a good bit of Big Brother fascism to chew on. However the irony is that if you asked a geek about security on Computers, you know what they would tell you:
If you want truly secure Computers that protect your details and personal information then you have to give up a bit of ease of use.
Geeks get annoyed with Pinks who complain about all the security, passwords and log-ons that are needed to access services.
OK, not the most apt **** ogy, because arguably one protects freedom of speech & Human rights and the other, orgz like TSA infringe on them. However my point stands, you want secure airports, be prepared to give up certain freedoms in an airport. Take your sunglasses off if asked, but point out that they have no legal right to ask you, you’re doing it out of kindness on your part.
Finally, if you find the TSA inept, then don’t write a blog about it write a letter to your congressman, that is if you there is any point.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:26 am
Apparently SSI stands for “Sensitive Security Information” (Basically super secret). It is partially described on this page: http://www.fas.org/sgp/news/2004/05/fr051804.html
Here’s a quote:
“SSI is information that TSA has determined must be protected from improper disclosure in order to ensure transportation security. TSA’s SSI regulation establishes certain requirements for the handling and dissemination of SSI, including restrictions on disclosure and civil penalties for violations of those restrictions. Currently, the SSI regulation applies primarily to information related to aviation security. Airlines, airports, and others operating in civil aviation are required to limit access to this information to those personnel who need it to carry out their security functions.”
Apparently that wack job officer was in the right. He didn’t have to tell you if it is indeed an SSI. We now have laws that are secret. I’m expecting them to install Orwell’s telescreen in my living room any day now.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:26 am
Good read. There’s no reason people should get mad at you for forcing TSA to do their due diligence.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:27 am
LAX sucks. Even BEFORE 9/11, I was trying to check a perfectly legal unloaded handgun through there, and was arrested. Eventually, they told me I was standing 3 ft. PAST the last ‘legal’ point to check a handgun. Since I was considered to be ‘on the plane’ at that point, it was supposedly a federal offense. There were no signs, no lines in the floor, no gate, no NOTHING to mark this ‘last legal point’. They confiscated (and eventually destroyed) my handgun, I spent a night in jail, and it cost me over $1000 in legal fees to get the case dropped and the $5000 federal fine cancelled. The cop who had to arrest me said it was the stupidist thing he’d ever seen, as I was being TOTALLY cooperative and was trying to comply with the law. Even the LA DA’s office said there was ‘no cause’ for my arrest and detention. (I had legally checked the gun onto the plane on my way to LA, by the way, without any hassles at all.)
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:30 am
I laughed out loud at the antics of these self-important TSA clowns, until I remembered that they’re practically running the contry. Just like the Gestapo did in Germany. (sigh)
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:31 am
Who are all these boot-lickers saying “Just take off your f*cking sunglasses?!?!” What a bunch of sheep. In 10 years when you find yourself bending over and spreading your cheeks before they let you get on the bus, and you’re asking yourself how things ever got this bad and you’re looking for someone to blame, be sure to check the mirror.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:32 am
Two species of reply are common for this sort of story:
1. way to go, that was funny!
2. you’re a prick making people’s life difficult to satisfy your need for attention.
It’s sounds like melodrama to state the obvious: fascism is when the slow build of government control builds for too long. But that’s what’s happening in America. If we questioned it each time we ran in to it, then it would be harder for it to happen. It is of course difficult to do so, because it identifies us as “security threats”.
(Which is a further irony - any REAL security regime would focus on dangerous people, not people who have an issue with unreal security regimes.)
So I would hope to see more responses like this:
3. Thanks, in the small way available to you, you are pushing back against fascism in my country.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:32 am
I just flew from LAX (which has to be the world’s crappiest airport) to Portland and I and my traveling companion have been pondering the teenager checking ID at the bottom of the staircase and her “back-up” at the top of the staircase.
Everyone at with a TSA badge is already a massive waste of taxpayer dollars in my opinion, but the LAX stairway operation just rubs your face in the s**t-uation.
My friend had an un-opened soda with receipt at PDX on the way home and they just let her drink it before going in. Neither airport had any problem with me traveling with a small pocket knife or a 21 piece bike multi-tool, though.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:35 am
They scan your face with the “hidden” cameras and match that against a database. Think Las Vegas looking for card counters. While it can work without the sunglasses, it’s better for the machines if there are none.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:35 am
You rule. If anyone gives you hell about not exercising your rights instead of creating a “bottleneck” are causing us all more problems than you.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:36 am
So, let me get this straight.
You act like a spoiled child, intentionally gave some poor kid with a s**t job a hard time, and then bitch about how pissed off everyone got at you? Hell, you were being a prick. You weren’t “sticking it to the man” or “standing up to authority”, you were purposefully making life hard for people that already have s***ty jobs.
Sure, all the measures you list are bull***t. But intentionally and knowingly acting like an a*****e to people that are going to get fired if they don’t follow those rules…
I can understand being tired and grumpy. We’ve all acted like an ass on little sleep or little food or whatever. But most people regret their behavior afterwards.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:44 am
Given you weren’t blocking others, this is a really savvy way to actually get through security. I had the joy of having lost about 45 pounds, thus travelling wearing trousers that were quite large around the waist. I got picked and was told that I had to remove my belt and hold both arms out simultaneously. I told the officer the likely result and was told just do it. When the pants started to drop, I was in (*&(&* because I was being confrontational and, to avoid further humiliation, I had put my arms down to grab them before anyone saw my pink undies. At that point I was ready to be arrested.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:45 am
god bless you. the “check your ID and boarding pass again ten feet later” thing is ABSURD. and if you complain, they pat you down just to piss you off.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:49 am
TSA are robots. Questioning their actions is quite appropriate. They use zero common sense and for the most part are just reactionary drones. If more people stood up to them, maybe it’s a long shot, but they’ll realize it is a broken, unorganized, and ineffective system. I don’t think the author inteded to slow anyone down, but rather attempted to deprogram a robot back to mere common sense. They’re sunglasses, cmon.
Don’t be a robot. Stop living in fear.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:50 am
I’m sorry that all of you sheeple believe that everyone must, without question, participate fully in security theater, neither questioning the madness or deviating from it. “Just leave me alone. I just want to get where I’m going while not interacting with authority. Why can’t we all just get along? If you have nothing to hide, why do you care if they shove a probe up your ass?”
The point is, the more people who act out during security theater, the more likely that some of you sheeple will wake up and see just how you are slowly and methodically being numbed away from your rights as human beings. Instead of poo-pooing these people, you should be applauding them loudly from the back of the line… See if you can get a whole line up to applaud. Maybe you will convince some of the TSA employees that what they’re doing is really ridiculous and maybe convince some of them to get jobs that help to move the world forward.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:51 am
What is it with the mindless sheep commenting here? Okay, sure maybe refusing to take off the glasses is a small thing and may sound inconsequencial. What you people fail to realize is all these small things add up in a big way.
Why should a 18 year old who barely graduated high school get to make up laws just so he can feel important. He knows that by labeling you as suspicious he has the power to potentially have you arrested because he’s jealous that you look sorta important or don’t treat him like he’s a super secret agent or maybe his Baby’s momma left him.
They have made it illegal to be fed up or angry while they make every effort to make you feel that way by providing poor, inefficient service.
“Microexpressions”?! I know people that work at the airport. They can barely read comic books. Judging by the number of people voting in this country these days I guess asking for people to stand up for their freedom is pointless.
“Just take off your sunglasses” !? What about when someone decides that they don’t like the look of you because your black, white, wearing pink or the wrong football team’s hat and tells you to strip stand on your head and recite the pledge of allegiance or you get **** probbed and you have no recourse, but to comply? We’ll make sure and say “Just strip, stand on your head and if you aren’t a terrorist you could recite the pledge of allegiance, a*****e”
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:54 am
> They are training TSA people to read micro-expressions on peoples faces
ROTFL, mighty psychic TSA Security Superheroes, they read micro-expressions of your faces! They are highly trained, educated well-mannered and well-paid people who could have every job under the sun but went for a challenging career in TSA, looking for explosive Insuline and danger-o-sensitive sunglasses.
I want to live in your Marvel-Universe, too.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:59 am
This issue of secret laws is behind the current court case of Gilmore v. Gonzales: http://www.papersplease.org/gilmore/index.html
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:59 am
To people like Alvin:
Sure, it’s their livelihood. However, that doesn’t change the fact that they are the ones who you encounter in the airport terminal and personally treat you like a terrorist while living in your own country. Nothing changes the fact that from the sheer customer service aspect, you are treated like piss and without respect. Would it have killed any of the people in question to act civilized and use “please” and “thank you?” Maybe a little customer service and a bit of acknowledgement of the inconvience this causes to every flier in the united states.
Last time I flew through the states I saw TSA people yelling at people because their english wasn’t so good. I fail to see how that improves the situation.
Anyways, if you don’t get pulled aside for ridiculous reasons and complain about it, how will the process improve?
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:02 am
You got what you deserved for f$ucking with those people, who are just trying to do their miserable jobs. Any one who f$cks with them should at the very least be forced to miss their plane.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:05 am
While I agree the under-trained TSA guards and needlessly redundant and ineffective procedures are both a huge pain in the ass and fairly ridiculous as a security measure, was it that much an invasion of your personal freedoms for you to take off your freakin sunglasses?
I really don’t think being asked to remove your sunglasses at a security check is the beginning of the slippery slope of the erosion of our civil liberties; it has already begun elsewhere. There is a fine line between security and privacy, and we can argue about specific legislation, bottles of water and terrorist toothpaste, security checks in general, etc. Don’t be a smartass, though. Being asked to remove sunglasses at an airport security check is not that line.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:14 am
In the exact opposite of your water bottle problem, I was forced to ‘chug’ a can of Coke in the security area at Pierson in Toronto.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:17 am
You are sophomoric. TSA, sure they need a geat deal of help — but their condition is something we, as a nation, might be able to fix; you will always have your “frat house” attitude.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:21 am
Hey, I just wanted to say that I don’t think you were being a baby and I don’t think you were being a jerk. Yeah, maybe it would have been polite to take off your sunglasses, but it would have been polite for her to ask nicely instead of making up some b******t about a law.
Would the exchange have been different if she had said, “Sir, would you please do me a favor and take your sunglasses off?” ?
I’d like to think it would have been.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:21 am
I’m borderline seething just reading your description of the way you were treated at the airport. Thought I’d empathize by saying so, and by sharing a bit of information re: SSI’s. Enjoy:
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is designating many documents as Sensitive Security Information (SSI) not to protect national security but rather to hide negligence, incompetence and potential liability, former Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) Special Agent Brian Sullivan charged today.
…
“I know from first-hand experience that roughly 95 percent of the materials that are labeled SSI have no national security value and should be released to help the American people arm ourselves against future terrorist attacks,” Sullivan said.
“There are only three explanations for why TSA wrongly labels so much information as SSI,” Sullivan explained. “The first is that TSA is too understaffed or too lazy to go through each document and redact the one or two paragraphs that are truly sensitive, so they place the entire piece off limits.
“The second is that TSA still has not put in place uniform guidelines, policies and procedures for making SSI designations.
“The third is that TSA is acting to protect the old FAA, the airlines and the screening companies from legal liability, a possibility that was brought into sharp relief when TSA attorney Carla Martin’s alleged collusion with aviation industry attorneys was exposed during the Zacarias Moussaoui trial.”
…
Sullivan was special agent and risk management specialist for the FAA in New England, where he **** yzed the security vulnerabilities of airports and aviation facilities in the region. He also served as the security control point for New England and, in this capacity, received and controlled the flow of secret information, including SSI. Sullivan retired in January 2001.
“It is critical to understand that SSI is not classified information — it is a designation for lower-level ‘proprietary information,’” Sullivan said. “Ironically, all classified materials must be reviewed after a designated period of time to see if they can be released. Yet the far less sensitive SSI materials are subject to no such review.”
–above excerpts extracted from this article.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:22 am
How dare you question authority…the impudence! Why don’t you grow up and bow under like a real man?
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:33 am
[...] Link [...]
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:33 am
Dan-
This doesn’t help anything. In fact, it hinders any real progress at getting rid of this crap. Bitching at a TSA employee and basically making an ass out of yourself and then complaining about how people got mad when you acted like an ass doesn’t help anything. All it does is make people not want to listen to a word you say, simply because you are being an **** .
Do you honestly think that pissing off a few TSA employees is going to make any progress towards a repeal of the Patriot Act? Is it going to change this idiotic attitude of a war on an emotion?
If a person lives in the US and wants to do something that will actually have an impact, they should focus on next Tuesday. Acting like a jackass, and saying things like “if you don’t work hard and get into school you wind up getting stuck in Iraq” and “people that work for TSA have ‘False authority syndrome’” just makes people less likely to listen to you or those that have the same views as you. Making stupid comments and doing stupid things makes you look stupid. Making cruel comments and acting like an ass makes you look cruel.
And if you look stupid or cruel, you cannot take the stance that the current administration is stupid and cruel and expect to have ANY credibility. Right or wrong, factual or not, it doesn’t matter. This is reality. It sucks, but it is reality.
If you want to actually change things, you have to stop throwing childish little tantrums like the one described here and actually do something. This kind of thing is worse than unhelpful; it is actually counterproductive. I’ve heard the argument many, many times: the people that oppose these security measures act like spoiled little children. There is no reason to listen to them; they’ll realize what’s good for them when they grow up.
So to the blogger: Stop acting like a child. You’re making things unnecessarily difficult on those of us who are actually trying to do something effective. Like it or not, human beings see the opposition as monolithic. It is our nature. You will be lumped in together with everyone who opposes this insane path our administration has chosen.
So please, stop making me look like a stupid, cruel child.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:35 am
That was awesome.
This summer on my way to San Diego I was stranded in the Las Vegas airport and ended up passing through security three or four times. Only the last time did anyone bother to notice that there were wire cutters and pliers inside my guitar case. A cheerful, bantering TSA guy compared them to some size chart and apparently they were non-lethal, or else he figured anyone bringing a cheap guitar on a plane couldn’t possible be a terrorist. I was through in about two minutes. Not exactly an ordeal. Yours, while ridiculous, was a lot more fun to read. ;^)
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:36 am
I respect your willingness to take on the idiocy of our false security state. If I was behind you in line, I’d be cheering you on the whole way.
You sheeple who think this sort of useless “security” does anything to prevent dangerous incidents should be ashamed. This guy might have been an irritation in the airport, but god help us we need more people doing this.
If you have to travel for business at all, the random, idiotic changes in “policy” and “secret rules” are enough to make you pull your hair out. I’d rather take my chances of crazy guys with box cutters than have to put up with this retarded nonsense for 3 hours before every single flight, every week.
Your civil disobedience (is it, even? you weren’t breaking any laws!) is much applauded, sir. Keep up the good work.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:38 am
The terrorists have won. Common sense and the core of American greatness have lost.
I think we give up our rights too quickly.
First they came after nail clippers, and I said nothing. Then they came after our shoes, and I said nothing. Then they came after our sunglasses (who knew!?), and I said nothing. They came after people with accents, foreign names, and too common names. I said nothing. They came after bottled water, infant formula, contact lens solution, shampoo, and prescription drugs. I said nothing. They came after my laptop and (in Boston) my wifi connection. I said nothing.
Are we safer for having given up our rights, dignity, and sanity to uneducated rent-a-cops? Of course not. In a recent test TSA failed to find 20 out of 22 smuggled weapons. Not surprising, given that TSA is so focused on grandma’s prescriptions and bossing everyone into submissive compliance. TSA is maximizing their sense of power, not safety.
Here’s a thought…. maybe if we didn’t over-react to terrorism the would-be terrorists would come to understand that senseless destruction is of no value. Like a spoiled two-year-old, terrorists want attention. But they don’t deserve it and shouldn’t get it.
Unfortunately, soon we’ll be subjecting ourselves to full cavity searches to enter a mall or tall building, cross a bridge, or attend a sporting event.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:43 am
Heres an idea: stop adding to the problem. We all know travel is a pain in the ass- bags get lost, long lines, crazy people who lose control of themselves, gestapo like screening tactics - none of this is news to anybody. You do bring up several good points about problems and unnecessary complications in the airport security screening process, no doubt.
But your reason for not taking off your sunglasses was that you were in a bad mood? Thats the best you can do? Take off your sunglasses like everybody else and stop being that **** guy who *tries* to cause problems.
You’re actually worse than than the annoying lady who walks up to the metal detector with three bracelets, two metal necklaces, a pocket full of change, her hubby’s swiss army knife in her pocket and a giant metal watch, because you’re just being an a*****e. That lady is just an idiot.
All that aside (and off my chest
), as I said, you certainly point out problems which I hope DHS and TSA already realizes. Lets hope they work to change things for the better. Meanwhile, lets all try to help each other out instead of exacerbating the frustration level.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:50 am
Thanks, in the small way available to you, you are pushing back against fascism in my country.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:53 am
I have two words to describe this guy.
Douche.
Bag.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:55 am
Thanks for standing up for us. I just flew to NY and decided the next time I have to fly, I think I’ll take off all of my clothes to go throught the line. This “security” is so stupid that I drove to Chicago from Denver twice this summer rather than fly.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:55 am
[...] Link [...]
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:03 am
“Much later in the day I would be told that the flight was canceled because there simply weren’t enough people wanting to fly from LA to Providence that day to justify sending an entire plane on the route.”
Wrong. That’s not how airlines work. They fly the route regardless of how many passengers buy tickets. The reason for this is simple: they have a set pattern in which they move equipment (planes) and crew. If they simply didn’t fly the route that day, the plane would be missing at its next destination.
If sales of seats for that route remain low over the course of months, the airline will review that route and timing, and adjust to maximize sales.
On your TSA experience: You acted like a prick. But more people should act like pricks, IMHO, because what the TSA is doing has not much to do with actually securing the travel industry. It’s just a huge inconvenience for the general public - 100% of the traveling populace. I think luggage ought to be x-rayed and people should go through metal detectors, but the kind of treatment that TSA staff have been handing out since 9/11 is simply out of control. It’s stupid, useless, and does nothing but inconvenience millions of travelers every day.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:07 am
“you have to stop throwing childish little tantrums like the one described here and actually do something”
Got any suggestions? Seriously. Whaddya going to do, write to your congressman?
This security theater exist for two reasons: to make us feel “safe”, and to make us feel afraid — you know that, I know that, we all know that. The more people bitch and complain about them, the faster they’ll go away.
(Me, I’m on the no-fly list. That is, somebody else with my name is on the list. It means that every time I fly I get shuffled into that threat line, and delayed at checkin while they make a phone call to some government office somewhere, whether I take my sunglasses off or not.)
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:07 am
TSA really means “The Stupid Agency” In reality, they protect us from just about nothing. Their so called “Security” is mostly a joke. Most of the TSA employees are loosers who could not get a better job, but now, they are Federal Officers. Watch out, they have more power than God and they use it all.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:19 am
Alvin nailed it with his comment. Sometimes acting like an a** is not an act of civil disobedience, it’s just acting like an a**.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:23 am
Hey everyone.
Stop flying. Take any mode of transportation of flying. It’s just not worth it anymore.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:40 am
Good for you. To all the haters out there: You obviously misunderstand the situation.
A. A terrorist isn’t going to raise hell about his sunglasses. It’s stupid to think someone is a threat when they’re making a fuss, when a real threat would do as much (or as little) as possible to go through undetected.
B. The TSA guy deserved what he got - I mean come on, the guy (and the lady before him) were making up laws and trying to enforce them on people coming through the line. I don’t care how crappy your job is, but when you try to declare your workspace as a new an independent country of TSA land and make up and enforce laws on people, I’m not going to respect you even for a minute. Even the cop seemed to know the TSA guy was a prick.
You can pretty much pass off anything as a law these days - just say it’s part of the TSA regulations that we’ll probably never actually see. Killed a bus full of nuns? No problem - the TSA says it’s okay, only nobody is allowed to see the law. Pbbbt.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:42 am
If it’s crowded, you should be expedient–we are all are in the service of our fellow man. In your case, I don’t see what harm there is in pointing out the stupidity of the security. It isn’t like you were screaming obscenities at them.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:42 am
“Alvin nailed it with his comment. Sometimes acting like an a** is not an act of civil disobedience, it’s just acting like an a**.”
You just don’t get it, do you? They can’t be allowed to do what they’re doing.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:42 am
…and the laaaand of the freeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
While the 300millions habitants of the US are being repressed, NOBODY is ever asking themselves WHY these terrorist are doing that! Sorry, not everybody, there are a lot of good spirits in the U-ASS-A, but they are being shut. No one in the press, TV, etc, is ever asking this!
One step further over information control is one step toward prototalitarism.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:45 am
This reminds me of the time I had to visit some state offices in Trenton, NJ. The second day I had to go, I pulled into the parking lot and stopped at the gatehouse. A trooper steps out, “I’m going to the division of revenue.”
He says, “Don’t know where that is. ID.”
Now the day before, a different guard directed me to the DoR and waved me on. so, “huh?”
t: “I need to see your id.”
I give him the id. He stares at it for a good 10 seconds, looks at the back, and hands it back to me. I drive into the lot. He didn’t write anything down, just looked at it. What was going through his head? “yup an id…connecticut…long drive…i got another 6 hours of this **** ?…christ its hot out here…wish they would air condition the booth…tomorrow i’m bringing a case of beer”
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:46 am
Revolutionaries don’t bother to concern themselves with how they inconvenience the public. They do what they do because the lambs in the masses won’t stand up for themselves. They see a need for change and act in the only ways they have available to enact that change. My guess is the author also votes, is active in local and national politics and knows enough about his rights as a citizen to stand up for them and himself. Only the John and Jane Status Quo would find fault with declaring that you shouldn’t be treated like a criminal without proof. Only the ignorant masses would choose convenience and ease over solidarity and freedom.
If you don’t feel the rules are absolutely ridiculous, you haven’t been paying attention.
Today, it’s sunglasses and water bottles. Tomorrow it’s the shows you watch, the food you eat, the people you can love.
Oh, wait. That’s already started.
Good for you, man. Now take that energy and hatred of the system and attack the people who make the rules. Continue to put your neck on the line for the rest of us, but you have to, HAVE TO work within the system to make changes and well as rail against it publicly.
Don’t let the US turn into the UK, or we’ll all have John Hurt shouting at us from giant screens on the front of the White House.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:47 am
WTF is up with the ** in the naughty words? If I want to say **** on a blog, I will.
Dude, as to your column, good one, except for the *Leatherman.* I’m sorry but I don’t want you or anyone else on a plane with that. Please check it with your, ahem, *golf clubs.*
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:49 am
I’m on Gagne’s side on this one.
I can’t agree with “alvin,” whose post advocates passively putting up with whatever nonsense we’re being forced to endure. Also, the name-calling is a bit out of line, especially from someone who repeatedly admonishes DG to stop “acting like a child.” Faulty logic and ad hominem attacks persuade no one.
Also, refusing to put up with the whims of a bunch of untrained security numbskulls doesn’t mean that Gagne can’t also work to repeal the Patriot Act.
I’d argue that blogs like this do a far greater public service than slapdash rants like those posted by “alvin.”
It’s only natural to wonder what “alvin” has done toward making the world a better place, no?
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
Pop quiz. You are a terrorist and intend to cause damage and havoc. Do you:
1. Do your homework, see what people are being screened for, know the rules, and then do everything you can to blend in and not call attention to yourself, or;
2. Refuse to take off your sunglasses, try to carry on lip gloss, offer to drink the bottled water, make a scene, hold up the line?
Seems to me the people least likely to be terrorists are the sunglass wearing, water bottle toting, lip gloss wearing, pen knife hiding people who question authority and point out useless and absurd rules.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
This is a great story. Airport security is the perfect example of ineffeciency and misguided security tactics that go hand in hand with our current government. FYI- studies have been been done showing that none of the security measures that have been imposed in the airports would actually stop a terrorist. Thanks for standing up for yourself in the face of mindless stupidity. If more people would stand up for the kind of things this country was founded on (equality, freedom) instead of mind-numbingly agreeing to whatever people tell you do while talking about what Paris Hilton did last night and taking the path of least resistance, then we might stand a chance against the many dangerous people in this world.
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:57 am
I’m not sure why you are so annoyed by your experience - you brought it on yourself. Why didn’t you just remove the sun glasses the first time? It would have taken, what, 6 seconds out of your life? You responded like a petulant child; you might as well have glared sulkily and muttered “Dun’ Wanna’”. I’m glad that you didn’t waste the time of other passengers (you can’t fairly claim you didn’t waste anyones time, seeing as you wasted the time of several TSA agents because you really WEREN’T a threat, just a jerk) but I can’t help but wonder if you would pull this again. Was it even worth it for you?
As far as the various claims of “the law” the TSA agents made all they really needed to tell you was that it’s the law that you comply with the demands of a government official. It’s the same as refusing to do what an officer tells you to do; you are in their jurisdiction as officers of the law (which, incidentally, is why airports aren’t considered property of the city they are in). You may not have voted for it but I’m guessing you also did nothing when president hijacked our legal process so he and a bunch of paranoids could cut away all our rights with the so-called Patriot Act. You did break a law by refusing to comply with the security check point officer; it’s that simple. Luckily they followed proper procedure and moved you on to the next level rather than grounding you (which can happen). As for the water, I don’t think it’s a “law” that you can’t drink in the security section but signs are posted in airports stating that that is a no food or drink zone (although I suspect it’s due to time management as opposed to any terrorist threat).
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:59 am
I love stories like this that point out how retarded security has become. And I love hearing about people pushign back against pointless rules.
BUT…She did need you to take your sunglasses off to confirm your ID. No big deal. You should have taken them off, stared at her for 10 or 15 seconds and then put them back on. At that point, if she bitched at you, then you had every right to refuse.
The bit about the water is hilarious.
The most retarded thing about the liquid ban is seeing photos form airports where security has confiscated liquids (that, when shaken or magically combined could become a bomb) and then THROWN THEM ALL TOGETHER INTO A GARBAGE CAN RIGHT THERE. F**KING MORONS.
I applaud your gumption sir.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:01 am
TSA stands for “Thousands Standing Around” I believe!
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:06 am
Flying today has got to be the worst possible experience imaginable and it is only getting worse. I travel just about every week and ever since the ridiculous liquid restrictions have been imposed, the TSA has taken it to incredibly stupid lengths.
I was flying home from Philly last week when my shampoo was confiscated because it was in an “unmarked container”. It was in a 3oz. bottle and in the required plastic baggie. The fist TSA agent at the front of the line examined it and didn’t say a word. I ended up arguing with the x-ray screener that she was just “making up new rules” and she shot back that she was basically allowed to make up anything she wanted if she felt like it. I checked the TSA website and, of course, there is nothing about unmarked containers.
I can live with these stupid rules as long as they are enforced consistently. That’s the biggest problem these days - it varies from one airport to the next and whether the TSA agent is having a bad day or not.
To all of the posters who are getting their panties in a wad about your experience, I say - wait until it happens to you. It’s just a matter of time before we are all forced to strip naked and spread our cheeks before boarding.
What we are given is only the “illusion” of security. The way it is today, a terrorist can easily smuggle a bomb into their checked suitcase and detonate it remotely via cell phone with almost a 100% certainty of success while the TSA wastes time and energy patting down the 80 year old grandma with knitting needles in her purse. It’s absurd.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:07 am
That was great, Those TSA people drive me up the wall.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:14 am
You kick ass. Please ignore the power crazy fear-mongers trembling fear-consumers who would have you put your head down and bleat like a sheep. They’re the reason the problem exists.
When will people figure out that you can’t legislate safety? You’re going to die anyway, and probably in a way you didn’t expect. (Remember kids. Having a law against it won’t bring you back to life!)
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:15 am
I am *amazed* at the comments by some of these people -
“Way to go, Spartacus. You browbeat some annoying TSA guys because you didn’t want to take off your sunglasses or toss a bottle of water. Only now can the world see the truth. Where will the revolution take you next?”
and I LOVE this one -
“Seems like an awful lot of wasted energy to prove a whole lotta nothin’. Of course, I couldn’t make it through the whole thing without skipping over big chunks.”
Listen you over-fed monkeys, it’s people like you that allow “President” Bush and his junta to continually erode at your civil liberties. But as long as you got Fox TV and McDonalds, stay fat and happy.
I look forward to the day when Americans wake up and realize that the civil liberties you claim to cherish and hold so dear are completely gone. ‘Papers please’ indeed.
Morons
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:19 am
Okay, have we all used the term “sheeple” enough yet?
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:19 am
I am friends with a ‘real’ security guard. He was, in fact, a member of a security company that worked in the ‘no doc’ section, arresting and holding people coming into the country illegally (with no papers) so that they could be flown home again.
He has since left that company, due to their own internal incompetence. TSA is most likely even worse, driving off any person with a brain and the ability to use it.
I don’t blame you for being grumpy, nor acting the way you did. I probably would have had a few angry words for them myself, well rested or not!
Kudos, and keep up the good work.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:21 am
Brilliant. Seriously. Gum it up and make it worse for everyone. Because actual reasoning obviously hasn’t worked with Congress.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:25 am
This blog would have had me doa from laughter, had i not been through the same BS myself. I travel quite a bit, and have been put through the rollers from the age of fifteen. fifteen! granted this was only five years ago, and i did have pink hair (as all terrorist these days, right?) but my mom was mostly to blame that frist time. I carried a metal lunchbox as a purse (harry potter, the harbinger of doom i guess) at the time, and its latch sucked. it used to come undone and spill all three pounds of my crap everywhere. Thus, Mommy dearest used to call it “the exploding box”. In the security line, i asked her to hold it while i got my id out of my ridiculously tight jeans. She blurted out “oh no! I’m not holding the exploding box!”…. god one mom. We had two flights there and two flights back. EVERY flight, I got pulled aside and seached. ugh. From then on it just got worse. On a return flight from charleston, a friend and i were bored and play fighting. He got a little too into it and kinda yelled “damn you Ninja! leave me alone!”.. thought nothing of it, until final boarding call is issued and im trying to zip through security at this tiny airport. They pull me aside. Theyre patting me down. My name goes over the loud speaker.. they’re LOOKING for me! Suddenly, this little gay flight attendant comes running over. “Are you April??” .. “yes..” “HURRY UP! WE’RE GOING TO LEAVE YOU!” ..the lady is wanding me. “I.. uh.. um” the guy is still shouting at me, oblivious to the fact that im a little BUSY. I start to cry- I didn’t want to be left! I was alone! AUGH!! Finally the lady is assured I’m not a threat (except to myself) and lets me go. The flight attendant grabs my hand and says “hurry, we have to RUN.” I had no choice! I’m ASTMATIC! Im in TEARS… it was terrorism at its finest. I finally got on the plane a snotting red mess, close to an asthma attack. I pull out my inhaler and am told to put it away. I ignore them, take two hits and put it away. The nice flight attendant that didnt drag me by my wrist through the airport gives me some water. i take a xanax. damn you tsa.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:29 am
The purpose of TSA security is to make life more inconvenient for us. It is to get us used to being interrogated and having no privacy. The purpose is not to make us more secure. Things that would make us more secure (for example, x-raying luggage that is not carry-on, which is rarely done) are passed over, deliberately. Those in power have the greatest advantage if:
1) We are made to believe that they are doing a lot to make us more secure
2) we give up our rights
3) they in fact do not make us more secure, so there is another terrorist act which generates more fear.
These kind of security measures are a calculated act to meet the above requirements.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:40 am
There is a fundamental reason why airports are not an ideal venue for civil disobedience, which you seem to have ignored.
While you were perpetrating your stunt, the time and attention that TSA could have been spending to recognize legitimate threats, was instead spent investigating you, because your actions were not “within normal range”. And if your sentiment is that the TSA are already an under-trained, under-capable group, then imagine how much less capable they would be having to deal with your shenanigans.
Say what you will about TSA logic and procedures (or lack thereof), but for the most part the personnel involved do not have a choice in how they perform their job, while they are on the job. If you act abnormally you need to be dealt with.
If I were a terrorist, I might recruit a harmless, unrelated person like yourself to run interference for me while I, much less disruptively, passed through security “playing by the rules”. And that is what makes you a threat - you divert security staff attention.
Perhaps this is why the guards at Buckingham Palace (are reputed to) act as they do - they know **** s at the entrance are not the biggest problem, but they are still **** s.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:45 am
thank you for summing up what i feel about the TSA every time i travel. these days i just shut my mouth and try to ignore everything from the minute i walk into the airport. if i open my mouth, or give two seconds of thought to the stupidity that is the TSA i think i would wind up arrested. i also find it amusing that the TSA takes aways things like batteries, and swiss army knives (when they find them, which isn’t often), but has no problem with laptops which could easily be used as a weapon - it wouldn’t be hard to grab a laptop and start cracking people over the head with it…. i would love to see the TSA try to ban laptops. banning liquids went over so well. i also want to add that one month after 9/11/2001 i traveled from MIA to SFO w/o an ID and the check-in agent actually told me it was fine, she would just mark my ticket so i didn’t have a problem with security. in addition, after i got married two years ago and changed my name, i updated my info with the passport authority - they literally typed a note in the back of my passport announcing my name change. i think in the two years since then, on at least 100 flights i have taken both domestic and international, i have TWICE been asked to show someone the last page of my passport which explains why the name on my ticket does not match the name under my photo on the first page of my passport. goooooo TSA.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:47 am
i’m surprised you managed to keep it so cool man. I swear, as mellow as you can get in general, this airport thingy worldwide is a crock. I don’t get it. It accomplishes nada.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:06 am
A real terrorist would be very cooperative to avoid confrontation or arousing suspicion. Those who are overly cooperative should be looked at more carefully in the future. These are the people to watch out for. All those people who thought you were a jerk for this ought to be more thoroughly examined upon their next visit to the airport - my guess is they will be “very” cooperative - not wanting to arouse suspicion or get involved in any sort of confrontation.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:07 am
Heh. Your commenters seem to fall into two camps: a) you were being a prick, or b) you did the right thing standing up to the bull **** .
I think they’re both right. You were handed a lot of bull **** and you were appropriately dickish in response. And you should keep it up.
As to the notion that these people are only doing their jobs and so should have nothing but a pleasant, sunny experience, that’s more bull **** . Every one of those people signed up for the TSA, and every one of them should be focused on making things as secure as possible and as convenient as possible. By doing their jobs poorly and unthinkingly, they’re accomplishing neither goal. There’s nothing wrong with meeting an unreasonable request with an unreasonable response, and hopefully even the TSA workers you ran across will be able to connect the dots eventually.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:10 am
Southwest airlines is possibly the WORST airline I’ve ever flown, in this country or otherwise! If you compare their prices to other carriers, it’s a real false economy of savings going on compared to the horrid service one reguarly receives.
I stopped being a tightass a long time ago and now gladly fork over the extra $20 to United or Alaska here on the West Coast. Worth every penny.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:46 am
I set off the metal detector twice at an airport in the southwest u.s. last week, so I had to go through the pat-down procedure. The tsa guy’s wand started beeping at my belt buckle and my watch. First of all, I was wearing the same belt and watch when I flew out of a different airport with no problems. Second, the tsa guys said “your watch has a timer”, as though that actually means something.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:48 am
You’re really an ass. Keep on ragin’ against the machine.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:50 am
[...] In what is rapidly becoming my favorite weblog post genre, David Gagne recounts his experience with TSA idiocy in false authority syndrome: [...]
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:52 am
As much as you say you are a nice guy, that’s just a bold-faced lie. As mentioned in previous comments, there are multiple reasons why you’re required to show your entire face during screening.
If you keep up with the news, which, by your ignorance of the rule, you don’t, there was a huge political debate about whether to require Muslim women to remove their Burqas when TSA first started out with this policy. The debate was around protecting religious freedom versus national security. Obviously, you don’t have religious protection for your sunglasses. And as undertrained as these TSA folks are, if you hadn’t been such an Asshat about your sunglasses, you probably wouldn’t have had to lock horns with the undertrained TSA agent in the “special” line.
You actually sounded happy that you were put in the “special” line. I’m sure the kids on the “short yellow bus” feel special too because they get their own bus. Well, good for you that you got the “short” line!
If you really have a problem with TSA policy, talk to the “man” by voting this November 7. Don’t shoot the undertrained messenger. They are doing the best they can with the pay scale they’re given.
And yes, as unbelievable as previous commenters suggest, the TSA does do things that you don’t see including “behavior detection”:
http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2006/08/airports_using_.html
From what I know of “behavior detection” in general respects, Asshat behavior probably isn’t an indication that you’re a terrorist but it does indicate that you may be hiding something. Whether you’re a terrorist or not, behavior that indicates that you’re hiding something during screening is probably not a good thing, especially if you’re an agency that has been in the news alot.
Thus, I totally agree with this guy:
DanO Says:
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:11 am
thanks. i’m completely convinced that you are an grating insolent prick and i hope i never have the unpleasant experience of meeting you.
in between your petyy gripes you actually pointed out the most important factor of the crowded airport experience(and LAX is indeed one of the worst) - the the security employees have a consummately crappy job. yet you spare no effort in second guessing them from a COMPLETELY uninformed standpoint.
the woman asked to see your eyes because she wanted to match your face to your drivers license(next time carry the uniform identification of a passport maybe? hello?) and you can’t lift your glasses?!!?!
what are you 12? no, wait - 10?
at the airport each and everyone of us is confronted with a negative. here’s some advice: try to turn it into a positive. be civil, pleasant, accomodating, and friendly and everyone around you will benefit. that advice goes well past events at the airport too. it would behoove you to follow is in all aspects of ones life.
people either grow old with grace or become bitter. check yourself.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:56 am
ROFL @ my previous comment requiring to be moderated. I guess that’s what the previous commenter mentioned about his negative post getting deleted.
Note from DVG:
1. All comments are moderated because I don’t want people spamming the comments with Viagra and Hottt-Singles links.
2. No negative post was deleted. That person’s post got eaten by the spam-protection system. If you read the comments here I think you’ll agree that I’m fairly thick-skinned. I’ve allowed comments from all of the people calling me various names, etc.
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:58 am
I recenlty checked in and was given a woman’s ticket. The name and geneder were wrong, but I made it through security with unshaved face and my male ID.
I got to the plane, with my bottle of water, juice and salsa knowing that this is all for show.
You can never stop everything. Trying to “stop every possible” only makes everyone suffer for the few that feel safer (and those that make $$$). The rest of us know that it is still as easy for bad people to do what they want.
Pluls you can’t deny those in medical need so how are you going to stop the rest?
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:05 am
[...] False Authority Syndrome [...]
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:12 am
But you’re right. LAX security is a hassle. I fly out of Burbank. It has less lines, it is closer to my home and security is less harsh. Instead of clueless staff, they have a courteous agent with a table full of visual aids assisting you with a gentle reminder to remove restricted items before you even get into the security checkpoint so that you don’t hold up the line.
I think if you get away from the hustle and bustle of a large airport where lots of people congregate and consequently, a higher security threat potential, you’re going to see a TSA that isn’t such a “prick” about restrictions during screening. The TSA agent with the visual aids didn’t have a problem with me standing there and explaining regulations to me while I drank the last of my water since I wasn’t in the line yet.
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:25 am
You must feel so much better when you take your frustration out on innocent people just doing their jobs. These people are under scrutiny and harassed every day (By a-holes like you) and your panties get in a wad simply because she does not smile at you.
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:45 am
DanO, you’re a tool.
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:56 am
Good.
Brow beating people who take unethical jobs (authority abuse) is perfectly within the parameters of being a truly ethical human being. These people should be made to feel like **** for compromising thier morals (or having none). You should talk louder next.
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:59 am
So you are angry, because you where being a lame self righteous blogger. Boohoo. Just take off your sunglasses and get on with your life.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Interesting to note that a recent test of TSA effectiveness at Newark Airport resulted in 20 out of a possible 22 weapons gliding smoothly through all check points. Link - http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/index.ssf?/base/news-9/1161928940141470.xml&coll=1
Recently traveling from London Heathrow to LAX, I was stopped at the third checkpoint (basically as I was walking on the plane and had cleared two complete x-ray, wandings and patdowns) with a painting wrapped in newsprint. “What’s the painting of?” asked the securi-bot. “It’s a street portrait of my wife an I, why do you ask?” sez me. “Well if it was a painting of an aircraft I couldn’t let you pass” sez robodrone. “Um, really? Even if it was a painting of Kitty Hawk, or a blimp?” “That’s right sir - no paintings of aircraft.” Obviously, farcical “’security theater” dialog is not limited to TSA alone - every country has gone bonkers with authority-mad uniformed drones who have signed on to keep our ports safe under absolutely zero effective training or protocol with which to do so.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:12 pm
Fundemental Rights are like muscle tissue.
If you don’t constantly exercise both, they wither away to nothing.
Well Done, Sir!
Well Done, indeed!
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Amen. Love you. No only should we as citizens stand up to call “bull **** ” on false security measures, but I also believe we have a duty to stand up to bullies/morons abusing positions of authority, and expecially perceived authority.
http://www.boingboing.net/2006/09/27/tsa_calling_kip_hawl.html
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:36 pm
eric’s story (#105) is hilarious but sadly indicative of a lot of the idiocy happening in airports today.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:46 pm
I don’t even travel by air anymore, I’ll take a boat first haha. Anyway good blog, and I completely agree with you that everyone that works at the TSA has some sort of sick power trip.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:48 pm
A few months ago I was taking a ferry from whatever the hell the small town on the mainland is called to Nantucket Island.
Because I’m a guy, and guys tend to be interested in big stuff like that, I was taking a few photos as my girlfriend and myself boarded.
As soon as I got to the passenger area (basically a giant floating waiting room) I was (absolutely politely) informed by the TSA person that photography of the boat is forbidden. I have no problems with Mr. TSA, he was just doing his job, so I put my camera away and thanked him for the heads-up.
But christ, what a soul-destroying job it must be to have to tell people to abide by these ridiculous and completely useless rules.
What could a terrorist possibly do with a photo of a ferry seating area?
They would probably be *much* more interested in the LCD displays located in the main seating area that showed, not a word of a lie, the GPS position of the ferry, including speed, heading, eta, all overlayed on a nice topographical map showing exactly where the ferry was and it’s projected path.
Fucking clueless, from beginning to end. Perhaps people would be more amenable to following rules if they felt some actual *thought* went into them.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:54 pm
I’m so glad I moved to New Zealand. None of that bull **** here. Sometimes don’t even have to go through metal detectors for domestic flights. I arrive at the airport in Christchurch half hour before my flight departs and I’ve still got 15 minutes to spare.
Y’all have three options. 1. Revolution. Personally costly. 2. Put up with it. 3. Leave. Move the hell out of the States. Yeah yeah, I know some of you are going to give me the “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” answer. We’re both glad to be rid of each other so it’s efficient. The rest of you can stay in the states and take turns **** ly probing each other for explosives; I’ll stay in New Zealand.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:57 pm
You should have told them you were blind.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Fantastic. You sir, are a king among men.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:02 pm
to all the fools bitching at David:
you are all pathetic fools for tolerating this shameless window dressing fake security that is just designed to keep you the frightened little cowards you are. While you’re mindlessly smiling and trying to turn the fascism into lemonade, we are left with no real security AT ALL. WAKE up you fools, they aren’t doing **** to “protect us”, these republican pigs have ONE purpose, and that is to CONTROL you. They will try ti make you submit anyway they can. Don’t.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:17 pm
#10: Pilot + Presciption glasses?
Smells fishy…
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Wow-
It’s amazing how many people are so willing to cede their individuality to be “secure.” It’s also amazing to see how many peoples’ time is more important than their freedom.
I got to the response where someone said that they hoped there was a middle ground between being a sheeple and a douche-bag. Maybe there is, but the middle ground is a losing battle these days. Look at all the people who are more interested in “order” than in “freedom.” Being a douchebag was exactly his point- he WANTED to underscore how arbitrary and capricious this “system” is. You cannot “reason” with it, and authorities don’t listen to you when you talk nice. So what are you left with?
If you don’t mind being searched, herded, and harrassed, then for God’s sake, don’t call ours a freedom loving society. It is not. Call it anything, but do not wax poetic about loving freedom and restoring/securing democracy and all that crap.
If anything, we are stuck somewhere between Orwell and Huxley.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:34 pm
i loved this story. i loved yer attitude. i would have suffered a bottleneck for your disobedience. cheers.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Travelling from Bermuda to the States a couple of months ago, I went through US Customs in Bermuda before the flight (generally very convenient to do). I had brought with me a ham & cheese sandwich to eat at the airport since we had a couple of hours to kill.
The customs agent asked me about the ususal litany of plants, animals, etc. that I might be transporting. I said no, just my sandwich for lunch. She asked to see it. I showed it to her. She then said I couldn’t take it with me, verboten.
After some useless arguing I said fine, I’ll just polish it off now. NO, she said, that was not allowed. I asked why I could not eat my sandwich, it would take about two big bites. “Security”, she said. “Surely you are joking”, I replied. I don’t need to go throught the whole back and forth for you, you can see where this line of discussion was headed.
I had to make a choice. Every fiber in me wanted to wolf down that sandwich and give her a big grin, but I was travelling with my wife and my three children and I knew that that course would both set the wrong example (maybe) and certainly create a whole lot of aggravation for the family. So I simply threw away a perfectly good sandwich and muttered a lot.
To this day I regret not eating that sandwich in front of her.
November 2nd, 2006 at 1:59 pm
I remember a television station did a hidden camera investigation of LAX’s TSA people and found some of them stole from passengers that were walking through security checkpoints.
http://www.nbc4.tv/moregrover/4508961/detail.html
November 2nd, 2006 at 2:07 pm
I think you did the right thing and if everyone did the right thing this would hold up everyone in line and maybe people would start to miss their planes. Only then, when the airline companies started to complain would any of the rules get changed. The problem is most of the people are sheep and refuse to get in an argument with authority. The only solution is for the rest of us to take charge and show that this process of accosting people doesn’t work and people won’t stand for it! Just imagine if 5% of the people had a 10min argument with the TSA agents about wearing sunglasses, the lines wouldn’t move. The only reason they harassed you is because they thought by intimidating you the other people in line would get scared and not pull the **** you pulled.
So people, lets revolt and act like **** because being nice obviously hasn’t worked. Just remember they won’t harass us if we all do it.
November 2nd, 2006 at 2:10 pm
Okay. I was very suprised when I read you got negative responses! To the people who think you should have just given in, they are so wrong. Because our limp inactivity and our wild ability to be pushed around is **** ing us over. Thats right And