comedy

Contextless Content: A portion of a conversation, usually from an instant messenger platform.

Josh says:
if me and you were in a dark alley in Compton or a haunted mansion and you said, hey this is pretty scary, let’s split up. I would say, I have a better idea, no

David says:
1. I would never be with you in either of those places.
2. I would never suggest splitting up, either.
But if you had a bullet wound and were bleeding to death, I would probably have to say, stay here and I’ll go get help.

Josh says:
you never know when we could just be visiting some haunted mansion behind a dark alley, in Compton
after I was just shot

David says:
that’s what’s amazing
I do know
March 3rd
be prepared

Josh says:
k
i’ll bring a bullet proof vest

David says:
it’s too late

David says:
it’s a leg wound anyway

What happens when you take a bunch of nude female mannequins and attach them to skateboards? You get a strangely fascinating video. The subititle is perfect: “Mannequins on skateboards. With predictable results. Somehow captivating.” Oh, the humanity. (But not the huge manatee.)
link via me-fi

One of the things that has bothered me for some time about the men’s bathroom at my office is that we have no urinals. They are one of the great conveniences of mankind. Toilets are just really sub-par places to urinate. (There’s too much splash and you always try to flush with your foot because, really, who wants to touch the handle way back there?) We have a tremendously large and ornate fish tank with a waterfall and beautiful coral sculptures in our reception area, but I don’t think I’d be able to convince the CFO to invest in the remodeling it would take to install these.

[click to continue...]

Gainesville is abuzz these days as the 5-0 Florida Gators embark on a huge October. The fifth-ranked Gators will be tested with showdowns throughout the month. Now the slate has gotten even more challenging. Today coach Urban Meyer announced that Florida has added an October 21 matchup with the Chicago Bears to the schedule.

This is quite possibly the coolest thing I’ve ever seen on YouTube. It’s The Matrix, starring Kermit the Frog as Neo.

My good friend Bill has started a new comedy site. It’s “sketch comedy that doesn’t suck” and it’s pretty damn funny. (Do me a solid and add to your myspace friends.)

Now, instead of searching the web for “borrowed” NBC highlights, you can go to the source! We’ve taken your viral favorites and gathered them into one convenient location. Watch. React. Tell a friend.

In an incredible burst of sanity, NBC has decided to do something sensible. My flabber is gasted.

PS: Yes, the Natalie Portman rap is here. w00t!

Today I finally finished Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, which has been sitting on my reading list for well over a year now. It’s not so much a “book” as it is a huge collection of quotes and stories from cast members, producers, writers, directors, etc. It could have been subtitled “All About Lorne Michaels” to be honest with you; it seemed like every other quote was somebody talking about him. It was quite fun to read, though. I’m a big fan of the show and have been for as long as I can remember.

I have never been able to forget one sketch. It was the one where Kevin Nealon was a reporter covering the “All Drug Olympics” and the weight-lifter’s arms ripped out of his sockets. I don’t think I had ever laughed so hard in my life. I picked up the phone and called one of my friends to ask him if he’d just seen it, and he had. Everyone was talking about that skit at school on Monday, too. For some reason that memory is lodged in my mind and I don’t think I’ll ever lose it.

Check out these Law & Order: SVU Valentines … excellent …

from Tuesday Morning Quarterback:

Actual correction from last week’s San Francisco Chronicle: “A story about mathematical references mistakenly said that 1,782 to the 12th power plus 1,841 to the 12th power equals 1,922 to the 12th power. Actually, 1,782 to the 12th power plus 1,841 to the 12th power equals 2,541,210,258,614, 589,176,288,669,958,142,428,526,657 while 1,922 to the 12th power equals 2,541,210,259,314,801,410,819,278,649,643,651,567,616.”

This is one of those excellent links that you hope will always be on-line somewhere, but that you know will soon disappear into the lost history of the web.

DKNY Men’s Leather Pants I Unfortunately Own
These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.
…
They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.
These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.
Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Conan O’Brian, on The Future of Television:

“Televisions will eventually grow so large that families will be forced to watch TV from outside their homes, peering in through the window. Random wolf attacks will make viewing more dangerous.”

link via Harlan

A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

link via bill

I think I’m going to have to add some of these to my email sig. Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam! Because, you know, interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europe vincendarum.