coffee

On November 4th I entered my local Starbucks and laughed when I saw the entire store was decorated for Christmas. There happened to be a manager and a “barista” working the counter, so I mentioned that it was a bit early for Christmas decorations.

The manager replied, as if I was daft, “No it’s not. Thanksgiving is next week!”

I told him that Thanksgiving wasn’t for three more weeks and he seemed surprised. He said, “Really? I don’t know why I thought it was next week …”

MAYBE BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?!?!?

My mom just sent me the following text message:

Attempts to contact my mom via her cell phone have failed. Unfortunately even if I could get her on the phone, the only advice I could give her — after over a decade of working in the computer industry — is to maybe try to shake the liquid out and blow-dry it.

When the revolution comes and the computers try to squash humanity out of existence, hopefully some of us will remember their Achilles’ heel: ill-placed cups of coffee.

When I have the opportunity I am apt to choose the underdog. Aside from the sinfully delicious Cinnamon Dolce Latte, for example, I dislike Starbucks and will generally go to the mom-and-pop coffee shops scattered around Los Angeles. More often than not lately, though, I am finding that Starbucks’ secret superpower is consistency. Mussolini kept the trains on time, and the Seattle coffee giant manages to use economies of scale and various other buzzwords I remember from my one college economics class to open earlier and provide better service than the little guys.

This morning I stopped at Bueller’s Bagels on my way to work. It was 5:55 and they don’t officially open, apparently, until six. A Mexican radio station was blaring, there was nobody manning the counter, and there was no coffee ready. I waited patiently for about five minutes — an eternity when you’re standing in an otherwise empty bagel shop at sunrise — and then walked across the street to one of the ten Starbucks located on my way to the office. They open at five. I walked into a store bustling with activity, with lovely music playing, and with a bacchanalian amount of caffeinated beverages to drink.

A medium coffee at Bueller’s, including tip, is about $2.50. A medium CDL at Starbucks is $4.00 with tip. This morning my coffee was free. The cash register was malfunctioning so the baristas had been instructed to just give customers their morning sustenance gratis. You can’t beat that. Sometimes the underdog loses for a good reason.

I got a new insulated coffee mug a few days ago. There was a little slip of paper inside it with “instructions”. This is a coffee mug. It’s very nice and this morning it did an excellent job of keeping my coffee hot while I drove to the office. Here’s a bit of the writing which was printed on the card:

There is also a prominent reference to “the drinking hole” and a caution to keep it away from children when filled with hot liquid. It’s not really clear whether they are warning me about children who may be filled with hot liquid or if they are warning me about hot liquid in the mug.
I feel compelled to tell you that (a) I cannot guarantee that everything I put in this mug will be delicious, (b) I don’t usually make my coffee using a fire, (c) I don’t really consider coffee “food”, (d) there’s no way to “screw the lid tight” because it just pops on and off, and (e) I hardly ever find myself in a field these days. Oh, those wacky Chinese insulated coffee mug manufacturer instruction translators! They just kill me.

Last week while I was returning from lunch, I found a lost cell phone near Quizno’s. I scrolled through the contact list and called My Sister. My Sister said that the phone belonged to her sister and that she was probably very upset that the phone was catching rays, lounging in the grass instead of chillin’ in her purse. I told My Sister where my office was and that I’d leave the phone at the front desk. At some point My Sister’s sister came and got her phone and left me a Starbucks gift card. And the karma wheel roll’d …

From The Orphange of Cast-Off Mascots:

Case #752: Mr. Coffee Nerves

Not a popular mascot. This poor reproduction doesn’t do justice to the hideous domestic discord he delights in wreaking. While employed, his job was to exhibit glee over the violent effect of caffeine consumption …

Did you know that I also own ilovedavidgagne.com and terribleheadache.com? I’ve been wondering what to do with terribleheadache.com for a while now. I’ve just finished a large Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Swiss Mocha Latte and swallowed two Excedrin Migraine gel caps (with 65 mg ea.) so I have somewhere around a kilo of caffeine in my system.

HI!

The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has stores sprinkled liberally throughout the Los Angeles area. I love ‘em. Yeah, I know I’m dropping about $3.50 every day on something I could get at home for 35¢, but … I really loves me some Swiss Mocha Latte in the ante meridian, y’know? I was in line a few days ago and picked up a little bean brochure. “Our Whole Bean Story” is the title. It had a few little bits that I didn’t know, so I thought I’d share.

• Refrigerating coffee in not recommended as the coffee will absorb nearby food odors.
• Warm your mug first with hot water. This will keep your coffee hot longer. (I don’t know about this one. I add about a quart of milk to my coffee when I make it at home and any time I buy a cup of coffee it’s about 400° hotter than I can drink.)
• Coffee beans hate oxygen, light, moisture, and heat. For optimal freshness, keep your coffee in an opaque, airtight container at room temperature.
• Coffee should be brewed just short of boiling, at a temperature between 195° F and 205° F.

I am sorry. I just think this is ridiculous. Who is the first guy that thought of this? What was in his head at the time? Is he the same guy that first imagined the Aztek and said, “Is it too ugly? Nooooo …” Is this the guy that keeps convincing people that Zima tastes good? Is he the one that sued McDonald’s to force them to put Caution: Contents Hot on their coffee cups? I’m sure the technological ramifications of inventing a substance to which peanut butter does not stick are mind-boggling, but how will the bananas not slide away?!
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Monday morning: Java City - one medium coffee (extra milk), one double chocolate chip croissant, one sated blogger.