comedy

I have a friend who has a ridiculously simple password that he uses for almost everything. Now, I’m not going to get into all the many reasons that this is a bad idea. You already know that you shouldn’t use the same password for everything, right? And that you shouldn’t use something really easy to guess, like your wife’s name or your phone number, right? Anyway … We started joking about some potentially really bad passwords.
See if you can match the really bad password with the following celebrities:

If you’re not watching HBO’s The Life & Times of Tim, you are missing the funniest show on TV right now. It’s a combination of Family Guy and Seinfeld, with a bit of The Office added to make it uncomfortable. And like The Royal Tenenbaums you need to pay attention to all the details that aren’t the primary focus: Make sure to read the signs hanging on the cubicle walls in Tim’s office and watch for stray animals on the streets of Manhattan. Tim’s “friend” Debbie — a hooker with a penchant for assless pants and mid-morning martinis — is jaw-dropping hysterical.

PS: If you don’t have HBO, you can watch several mini-episodes on the website.

Pop Quiz! Which is more awesome? Bigfoot riding a sea monster or Jesus riding a dinosaur?

Every day a new city, a new IHOP. And yet every night the dreams get worse. I ply the highways, a nervous eye on the rear-view mirror, the back seat piled with stolen menus.

Every year around this time I get to enjoy one of my all-time favorite acronyms. (You know I’m an acronymphomaniac, right?) All of the important data utilized by the National Football League is stored in the “Game Statistics & Information System” — GSIS.

As far as the NFL is concerned, GSIS is awesome and GSIS knows all. This leads to some wonderful conversations …

• Want to know who’s got the most rushing yards right now? Ask GSIS.
• Who scored first in last week’s Steelers game? Check with GSIS.
• Did Tom Brady get a rushing TD in week 7 last year? GSIS can tell you.
• When do the Broncos play the Jets? GSIS knows.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how annoying it is to get an “affirmation cookie” instead of one with an actual fortune. Well at lunch today one of my co-workers got what we thought was a horribly rude fortune cookie. Instead of the usual mindless drivel, instead of even a useless affirmation, the “directive” cookie he received at California Wok read, “Work on improving your exercise routine.” Ouch.

Brilliant: Easily Mispronounced Domain Names
Go Tahoe!

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

I read Carl Hiaasen’s comedy Skinny Dip on the flight from Denver to Vegas to Los Angeles on Monday morning at the suggestion of a friend at work. I don’t want to reveal too much of the story, but it’s basically about an idiot who attempts to murder his wife, who was the captain of her college swim team, by tossing her overboard while on a cruise ship. Needless to say, dark hilarity ensues. It’s not exactly Shakespeare, but Hiaasen is a powerfully funny author. I thought this novel was wonderful and I recommend it highly.

It took me almost ten years, but I finally got around to watching The Big Lebowski. I watched it with my buddy Bob on Sunday afternoon in his totally awesome, tricked-out basement theater in Denver and I thought it was hysterical. Surreal, yes, to be sure. It was beyond odd. Like Swingers, one of my all-time favorite films, I think that much of it is completely incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t lived in Los Angeles for a while. But it’s definitely a great movie if you enjoy the Coen brothers’ stuff.

With my special training program, anyone can eat 100 treadmills in 7 weeks.

Contextless Content: A portion of a conversation, usually from an instant messenger platform.

brother-in-law: Unfortunately, a war on master bathrooms won’t attract the attention of any A-list superheroes
GatorDVG: That’s where you’re wrong.
brother-in-law: I’ll probably get someone like Black Vulcan, or the Panther, or Super Mario
GatorDVG: Isn’t Super Mario a plumber?
brother-in-law: Yeah….I’ll probably get him
brother-in-law: Or even his lame-o brother, Luigi
GatorDVG: I’m pretty sure your new wife has him on speed dial.
GatorDVG: I seem to remember them having a very poignant relationship several years ago…
brother-in-law: That would explain all the mushrooms in the closet

Rap Lyrics Explained With Charts and Graphs

• Jacuzzi and / or hot tub
• the rim of a volcano
• marriage counseling