Monday, August 25, 2008
My grandmother’s wake and funeral were — of course — very, very sad. I think one of the things that bothered me the most was the music at the wake. It was so … depressing. Now, my grandmother was 86 years old before she was killed by the incompetence of morons; she wasn’t exactly a fan of rock n’ roll. So I didn’t expect them to be playing Def Leppard in the funeral parlor, y’know? But anything would have been better than the canned funeral parlor soundtrack.
I can only hope that when I’m gone someone has the balls to bring an iPod to the wake. And please — if you’re going to even have a wake for me — do it in a house for the love of God. And bring some Maker’s Mark and vodka. If there’s one time when it should be completely acceptable to tip one back, it should be at my freaking wake. So anyway. Don’t play “Ave Maria” or Mozart (although I do loves me some Wolfgang). You don’t have to blast the stereo or anything and start a dance party. But at least listen to something I would have liked.
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Thursday, February 28, 2008
“I would never had done any of this if I thought there would have been an accident.” — Jim Abernethy, Scuba Adventures
Right. Of course. You’re just dumping bloody fish chunks into the ocean and then letting people swim with really aggressive sharks. What could possibly go wrong?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The “assisted living facility” where my grandmother lived — Indigo Manor in Daytona Beach, Florida — just sent my mom and uncle an automated form letter. It was something along the lines of, “Please tell us how satisfied you are in the care we gave your loved one.” They’re really not very bright over there.
If my mom and uncle are still too upset to do so, I’m going to be the one sending them a reply: “We were completely satisfied … right up until the day you dropped her and broke her femur, then allowed her to spend over 36 hours in agony before telling anyone what had happened. Y’know. Right before she died because of complications from the emergency surgery. Aside from that, though, you were terrific.”
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Friday, May 4, 2007
Anna S. Albanese
10/28/1920 - 05/04/2007
My grandmother passed away died this afternoon. I hate “passed away”. It’s so … passive. Nana was not a passive person. She was incredibly, astoundingly active. She’d been pretty limited for the last few years, but that’s not really how I’ll remember her. When I was in elementary school I used to be very proud that she was the president of the local Italian American Association. She could crochet like a mother#$@*; she was an amazing cook; she was in all sorts of women’s clubs; she had a full-time job for a long, long time after she should have been … I don’t know. She just didn’t “pass away”.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. But I hate the thought of seeing the obituary in the paper when I get to Florida. I remember when my grandfather died I hated the obituary. Hated it. My uncle (or someone) had a bunch of them laminated and made into bookmarks and I just hated the idea that a life could be summarized in two or three column inches like that. So here goes …
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Friday, April 27, 2007
Renowned cat veterinarian and beloved Cornell University professor James Richards died Tuesday from injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident that occurred on Sunday.
Richards, the director of Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine’s Feline Health Center, was thrown from his motorcycle when he attempted to avoid a cat in the road.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
You have to get out of bed pretty early to pull one over on the local coroner in Los Angeles.
Southern California kicker Mario Danelo was drunk when he plunged over a cliff to his death, but the cause of his death was “undetermined,” according to a coroner’s report released Monday.
He’s a football player in excellent physical health. He got really, really drunk. He climbed a large wall and fell over 100′. I don’t see the mystery here. Tragedy? Yes. Mystery? No.
Monday, August 15, 2005
This weekend I finally finished Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything”. It was a terrific read, truly wonderful. Bryson managed to make even the most esoteric, incredibly — for lack of a better word — boring details about life on this planet inconceivably fascinating. I mean really, it takes a brilliant author to get you completely engrossed in plate tectonics, genome theories, and the Brownian motion of subatomic particles. I’m not a very good test subject, actually, because I tend to find these types of things amazing and fun even when presented in incredibly bland tomes on them, but I have to tell you that even if you aren’t even barely interested in glaciers or the lipids that comprise your cell walls, this book will enthrall you.
I also just recently finished “Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers” by Mary Roach. This book, too, was just so damn fun to read. A bit morbid, to be sure, but Roach approaches everything with a bent towards comedy and I enjoyed it.
And lastly I should mention that my girlfriend and I managed to catch March of the Penguins on Friday night. If it doesn’t win an Academy Award — or two or three or four — I will be astonished.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Theinhko: killed by a farmer whose cucumbers he ate without permission. Theinkho’s Queen, fearing civil disorder, smuggled the farmer into the royal palace and dressed him in royal robes. He was proclaimed King Nyaung-U Sawrhan, and was known as the ‘Cucumber King’. He later transformed his cucumber plantation into a spacious and pleasant royal garden. (931 AD)
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Wednesday, November 27, 2002
From the “I Guess It Depends on Your Point of View Department”:
This morning a dj on KROQ said, “And there’s some good news to report on traffic: The fatal accident that was blocking the 210 has been cleared from lanes.”