jokes

Davezilla — a site I’ve read for so long that I can no longer remember when I started reading it, which means it’s probably since before you even knew there was an internet — was feeling down in the dumps a few days ago. He asked his readers to raise his spirits. People started posting jokes. Some of them are classics. Some of them are jaw-droppingly awful. But they are completely uncensored and the majority of them will make you laugh.

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra …

Today marks my 2500th day of blogging. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than with two lovely collections of elephant jokes. I love elephant jokes.
And while you’re enjoying these elephant jokes, why not make a donation to The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee? What a fine thing to do on a Wednesday afternoon!

So these two cows are out in a field, chewing the cud.

One of them looks over and says, “So … what do you make of all this ‘mad cow disease’ nonsense?”
[click to continue...]

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?

They called it the herd shot ’round the world.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Three excellent puns, via eMail, from my mom:

• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Every now and then my mom - because she loves me like silly - sends me newspaper clippings from the comics section. I just got a particularly funny one from Frank and Ernest.
Two microbes are reading the latest issue of BioWeek magazine and one says to the other, “There’s a cover story on helium.”
The other microbe says, “Hah! How interesting can an article on helium be?”
The first microbe responds, “They say once you pick it up, you can’t put it down!”

Now that’s comedy, folks. <grin></grin>

Even if they beat Florida, you still can’t spell ‘citrus’ without UT.

Q. - What does UT football have in common with marijuana?
A. - They both get smoked in a bowl.

Q. - Why is the University of Tennessee in Knoxville and the State Prison in
Nashville?
A. - Nashville had first choice.

Q. What’s the best pickup line to use on a UT coed?
A. “Nice tooth, bitch.”

Q. How can you tell if a UT fan is married?
A. There are tobacco juice stains on the passenger door of his pickup.

Q.- How many Tennessee students does it take to change a flat tire?
A.- Just one, but they get 3 hours of credit.

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. He growls at the bartender, “I want a shot of whiskey and I want it now!”
[click to continue...]

A man walks into a store and goes straight to the counter.

“I would like a garnet hat, a gold shirt, garnet pants, and some gold shoes.”

The clerk looked at the man and said, “Are you a Florida State fan?”

“I sure am!” replied the man. “Go ‘Noles!”

“I thought so,” said the man behind the counter.

“Ha! It was the color combination, wasn’t it?” asked the fan.
[click to continue...]

<rimshot>
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen: Only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Webbified
I’m always amazed and excited to find a web site of a real famous person. I found a link at BrainLog to the personal web site of George Carlin. Did you know he won his third Grammy this year? There is a ton of useful (and fun) information there, including a rant by the comedian against some chain eMails circulating the ‘net which are falsely attributed to him.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
[click to continue...]

A lady who lived in Los Angeles had two pet monkeys of which she was very fond. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart.

Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to a taxidermist. The man, seeing how much she cared for the monkeys, asked her if she would like them mounted.

“Oh, no,” she replied, “just have them holding hands.”

You’ll have to forgive me. Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Doctor: I have terrible news, sir. Not only do you have cancer, but you also have Alzheimer’s.
Patient: Well, that is horrible. At least I don’t have cancer.

Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! I think I’m a set of drapes!
Doctor: Oh come on! Pull yourself together!

Nurse: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now.

Patient: Doctor, what’s wrong? You seem confused.
Doctor: I’m sorry sir. I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with you. I think it’s all the heavy drinking.
Patient: Well, then. I guess I’ll just come back when you’re sober.