rants

I was all fired up last night about “clean coal” after watching Palin’s speech at the RNC. Obama also talked about “clean coal” in his speech last week, and it seriously bothered me. There is no such thing as “clean coal”, kids. But nobody that listened to the two nominees is talking about that. What Americans should be thinking is, “Wow! The ‘clean coal’ lobby must be pretty powerful if they managed to get their topic mentioned in two of the most important political speeches of the election this year!” But, no, most people simply heard both candidates use the term “clean coal” and will assume it must be pretty good, since everyone likes stuff that’s clean.

But what really bothered me the most about Palin’s speech was a comment in Mara Liasson’s story covering it in on NPR this morning. Liasson referenced Palin’s little joke comparing hockey moms to pit bulls and called it an ad lib. Did Liasson watch the speech? That was not an ad lib, it wasn’t even close. Being able to gracefully ad lib is a tremendous skill and should be respected. Palin didn’t ad lib that joke at all. Please. There was a clear pause while she waited for the — most likely planned — chants of “hockey mom!” to begin so she could deliver her joke. It was so awkward that I had time to wonder, “Why is she pausing?” And then she made her joke.

I don’t care that the joke wasn’t that funny. I don’t even care that much about the media ignoring the “clean coal” issue. What I do care about is irresponsible journalism, especially when it comes to misrepresentation of oratorical skill. Mara Liasson’s incorrect use of the term ad lib amounts to a tacit congratulation of an act that didn’t occur, and that makes my blood boil. Palin may very well be an astoundingly good public speaker who can ad lib at the drop of a hat, but her hockey mom joke wasn’t an example of it.

BMX? Men’s BMX and Women’s BMX? Water Polo? Volleyball? Beach Volleyball? Badminton? Table Tennis? Kayaking? Basketball? Field Hockey? Trampoline? Race Walking?

Look. I know that Ping-Pong Table Tennis and Synchronized Swimming have been in the Olympics for a long time. That doesn’t mean they need to remain in the Olympics. Can’t we just all agree that these were silly mistakes, sudden displays of horrible taste, fads gone wild? And who fell asleep at the controls and allowed these new ridiculous “sports” into the Games? Good grief.

And I know I’m alone on this one, but I can’t even get comfortable with Basketball, Soccer, Baseball, and Softball. Hello? These are team sports. What happened to the Olympics being all about individual achievement?

The words or not never follow the word whether. That’s it. That’s the rule. Whether implies or not. You don’t ever need to say both of them. The words or not should never be spoken. (They should certainly never be written.) Whether implies “or not”. Get it?

Mrs. Greenburg said in an interview that the delay was doubly unpleasant for her Maine coon cat, Sammy, who howled through the entire experience in a pet carrier in the back seat.

Warning! Do not be fooled by what you might read anywhere on the Internet. If you have been using Microsoft Money and you switch to a Mac, you are screwed. There is nothing comparable for the Mac. No … Quicken is not an option. No, there is no version of Microsoft Money in development for the Mac. No, there are no other software programs available which are even remotely similar. No, none of the other potential financial software programs will allow you to successfully import your MSMoney data. No, you are not going to find another financial software application that is freeware or shareware or open source that comes close to Microsoft Money. No, you should not believe any website that attempts to explain how to convert your Microsoft Money file(s) for use in any Macintosh program.

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It takes four actions to enable Bluetooth on the new iPhone.

1. Click “Settings”.
2. Click “General”.
3. Click “Bluetooth”.
4. Click on/off slider.

Leaving Bluetooth enabled all the time drains the battery much too quickly, so it makes sense to only enable it when you are using it, and to disable it when you are finished. (The same could be said of 3G network access.) Hopefully in the next release of the software they’ll make it easier to flip these two settings. I mean, I know it’s not world hunger or anything, but four clicks is at least two too many.

In addition to one of the standard Surgeon General’s Warnings, packs of Natural American Spirit cigarettes are labeled:

Made with 100% additive-free, whole leaf, natural tobacco. No reconstituted sheet tobacco. No processed stems. Up to 25% more tobacco than other king size cigarettes.

All of that would, in some convoluted way, probably lead a smoker to believe that these cigarettes are “better” for you than — one would assume — all the other brands of cigarettes. But the fact that these cigarettes profess to contain more tobacco than competing brands is somehow made to seem like a good thing. So the company helpfully adds:

No additives in our tobacco does NOT mean a safer cigarette.

Their website is actually running a promotion right now asking people to send them “Smoker’s Stories”, cute little anecdotes about how much fun people have had smoking, sharing cigarettes, and loving the joy of being a smoker. Conveniently absent are any stories about not being able to climb a flight of stairs, bad hygiene, watching someone you love battle lung cancer, or wasting thousands of dollars on a terribly unattractive habit.

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I have gotten over a dozen phone calls today from (949) 374-5125 and (208) 650-4253. I had been answering the phone on the first or second ring and there would be nobody there. At first I assumed it was just some moron repeatedly calling the wrong number. But just now a call from the first number yielded a telemarketer asking me which free gift I wanted to receive.

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An open letter to Amy Winehouse, from Ernie.

When the barista at Starbucks handed me my coffee this morning, the hole in the lid was directly over the seam in the cup. This, I have come to learn, is a recipe for disaster. If the hole is within a centimeter of the seam you are almost guaranteed to experience “coffee drip” on your shirt. Walking into the office with a coffee stain in the middle of your shirt is a rotten way to start a Monday.

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There is an elevator in my building. It is often broken. It is often being repaired. The most recent time it was “fixed”, the brainiacs that run the building installed a new, helpful sign. The sign reads, “In the event the elevator becomes inoperable, do not become alarmed. Press the red ‘Alarm’ button.” Let’s ignore the fact that they’re telling us to press a button labeled “Alarm” but not to actually, y’know, become alarmed. What’s more comical is that the button is not red. It’s white.
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About six months ago I bought a Seagate FreeAgent Go 160 GB USB External Hard Drive from the evil empire™. As far as hard drives go, well, it’s big and it stores data. So in that regard it performs perfectly. It also has a soothing amber glow that pulses while it’s spinning, which is very nice. The problem with this thing is the software. It’s two sacks of rotten apples bad. And, based on the 1994-esque, we-hate-our-visitors Seagate website, it’s not going to get any better.

I’ve been returning to the site every few weeks, hoping that they’ll release some sort of upgrade or patch, but no. The software that’s bundled with the drive is the FreeAgent Launcher. Like almost all new software, it lives in the systray. To kill it, you have to right-click on it, choose exit, and then confirm when it asks, “Are you sure you want to exit?” (This annoys the hell out of me. If you insist on treating me like I might be slightly retarded — Why would I click “exit” if I wasn’t sure? — then at least give me an option to not have to confirm next time.) In a fit of desperation I installed the software for one of Seagate’s other drives. The other software is Drive Manager or something like that. It also lives in the system tray. Get this, though: To kill that one, you have to left-click and do the “Are you sure?” dance. Why would Seagate make one work via right-click and the other work via left-click?!
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Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality

To the political analyst who discussed Obama’s campaign this morning on NPR: I’m sorry to say that you lost whatever shred of credibility you had the moment you said that something was furmaliar. Nothing is furmaliar. Lots and lots of things are familiar. There is no r in the middle of that word. It’s not an accent. It’s not “the way we say it here”. It’s not anything other than wrong. You disagree. I know you do. So, Mr. Political Analyst, imagine this: If you and I were engaged in a conversation about Obama and I pronounced his name Orbama, would you correct me? I think you would. If I said, “Oh, that’s just the way I say it,” what would you think? Good day, sir.