snacks

About a week ago I caught one of my co-workers, a very nice guy named Tawan, eating these Zotes sunflower seeds during a management meeting. I have an abnormal addiction to seeds and nuts, so I was forced to steal some from him. He said he found them in a gas station convenience store and was nice enough to grab me a container of the beer-baked ones a few days later. They also make tequila lime, spicy nacho, and dill pickle-flavored varieties. They are quite delicious, and the packaging is genius.

Generally I am not the kind of guy that gets into breath mints. I’m more of a DoubleMint man. I chew gum like mad. But I saw these Vojo Energy mints while I was in line at Gelson’s and the packaging hooked me. They taste great and as a bonus have a little guarana caffeine burst in them. Also cool: There’s a little mirror on the inside of the box, presumably so you can check to see if there’s any food stuck in your teeth. Their official website is a poorly-designed piece of craptacular Flash, but you can get them at Amazon. They’re $3.50 or so for a box, and they only last like a minute, but for that you get about 80 little 1/2-calorie minutes of joy.

If you are lucky enough to have a boutique grocery store in your area, see if they are selling chocolate chip cookies from Bart’s Bakery. They are, without a doubt, the world’s best.

Emerald Nuts:

• bad: content-free, crappy-ass Flash website
• good: wickedly funny commercials
• good: nifty recyclable plastic pop-top ergonomic container
• good: mouth-wateringly awesomely delicious nuts

I’ve been enjoying chewing this new Altoids Gum. Today, however, I just noticed that one of the ingredients is Carnuba Wax. Color me crazy, but isn’t that the stuff you use on your car? This is most curious indeed. Am I waxing my teeth? Will chewing this gum provide any sort of dentrifice protection against the elements? And where the hell is Carnuba? Who are these mysterious Carnubites and when did they begin making wax?

The Albanese Family’s World Famous Wine Biscuits

• 4 cups flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp baking powder
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup olive oil
• 1 cup red wine
• 1 tbsp anise seeds (optional)

1. mix dry ingredients well
2. add oil and wine
3. mix well and let sit 10 minutes
4. roll dough out in strips and form
5. Optional Glaze:
   1. beat 1 egg, 1/2 cup sugar, and 3 tbsp milk
   2. brush top of biscuits with glaze
6. grease cookie sheet
7. bake at 350 F 15 - 20 minutes (or until brown)

GumPals are circular, 3″ dry waxed tissues, made specifically for the disposal of chewing gum. The tissues come in 4 different dispenser models, and can be purchased in a variety of combinations. Refillable dispensers come with a supply of approximately 200 tissue refills.

Y’know … I’ve been thinking. Reese’s Miniatures are better than Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The chocolate-to-peanut-like-substance ratio is better. I mean … don’t get me wrong: I love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I just like the miniature ones better.

I just ate a fortune cookie. My fortune read, “You are the master of every situation.”
I don’t think that’s a fortune. Is it just me, or didn’t fortune cookies used to contain fortunes? It seems that all the ones I get lately just tell me some lame, self-affirming nugget of nonsense.

“You are wise and kind.”
“You make others smile.”

I want a fortune that tells me something I don’t know.

“You should avoid the 405 on the way home tonight.”
“Beware the bald man.”
“Bet on the Redskins”

Those are fortunes I could use, y’know?

<mumbling>
Who the hell is in charge of writing fortune cookie inserts anyway?
</mumbling>
… heads to askjeeves.com …

chocolate
I hate when you’ve eaten all the Krackels and then all the Special Darks and then all the Hershey’s and all that you have left are Mr. Goodbars. Also, I want a cigarette.

Wednesday, May 2 is Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Free Cone Day. Need I say more?

Consumed today:

• one box Thin Mints
• four cans Mountain Dew
• one large French Vanilla Java City coffee
• three pieces Strawberry Splash Bubblicious

The ACME Chocolate Registry: For those of you that want everyone to be able to get you the chocolate you want.

So yesterday, while I was reading this, I ate an entire bag of microwave popcorn. No, I’m not a slow reader, you dork. I am an extremely fast popcorn-eater. I in-freakin’-hale the stuff. I love popcorn. Then when we went to see X-Men I consumed a Large bag during the previews. So by like nine o’clock I had, literally, two farging pounds of popcorn in my intestines. That cannot possibly be good for a person. Once in college Dr. Twitchell - A genius. Go buy his books at Amazon.Com. - had us write a paper on vampires in late 19th century literature (or something like that) and I handed in a three-page essay on the history of popcorn. If I remember correctly, he called me an asshole - I think he actually wrote that on my essay - but still gave me an A.