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My grandmother’s wake and funeral were — of course — very, very sad. I think one of the things that bothered me the most was the music at the wake. It was so … depressing. Now, my grandmother was 86 years old before she was killed by the incompetence of morons; she wasn’t exactly a fan of rock n’ roll. So I didn’t expect them to be playing Def Leppard in the funeral parlor, y’know? But anything would have been better than the canned funeral parlor soundtrack.

I can only hope that when I’m gone someone has the balls to bring an iPod to the wake. And please — if you’re going to even have a wake for me — do it in a house for the love of God. And bring some Maker’s Mark and vodka. If there’s one time when it should be completely acceptable to tip one back, it should be at my freaking wake. So anyway. Don’t play “Ave Maria” or Mozart (although I do loves me some Wolfgang). You don’t have to blast the stereo or anything and start a dance party. But at least listen to something I would have liked.

Here are a few of the songs that you should play, in no particular order:

• Any Other Name
  from the American Beauty soundtrack by Thomas Newman
• Let It Bleed
  from the album “Let It Bleed” by The Rolling Stones
• Bonnie Brae
  from “Powder Burns” by Twilight Singers
• Maps
  from the album “Fever to Tell” by The Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
• Temporary Like Achilles
  from “Blonde on Blonde” by Bob Dylan
• “Abbey Road”
  the whole album, start to finish, and sing along
• Everybody Loves Me, Baby
  from “American Pie” by Don McLean

And if you simply must play something really, really down, make it “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes. I love that.