Tuesday Morning Quarterback scores again with 2010: The Mock Draft.

At some point in your life, you’re going to be asked to find a bat stretcher. This is a terrific story.

I’ve gone through this experience myself, so I know the feeling. It happened to me while I was loading trucks on the midnight-to-ten shift for Old Dominion Freight Lines. One of the dock managers told me that I had about 30 feet worth of furniture to load onto a 28-foot trailer, and that I’d better find a trailer stretcher in time to get the truck on the road.

I’m also ashamed to admit that I’ve done this to every new guy at almost every place I’ve ever worked. At Infosearch Media we told junior tech support guys to find a cable stretcher. When I worked for Regeneration Technologies we told fresh meat that we had to find bone stretchers. When I rowed for Florida Crew we told the rookies that the only way they’d get to sit in a boat was if they found a rigger stretcher. Even at Subway we used to tell kids that the sandwiches were too short and they had to go grab a bread stretcher.

If you’ve got 10 friends and about 14,000 Post-It notes handy, you, too, could spend five hours and create a scene from Donkey Kong on the windows of a four-story building.

Funny: If ancient Rome had the Internet…

Here’s a nice way to look at things: A man details his life with pie charts.

Last night’s Saturday Night Live with Peyton Manning and Carrie Underwood was excellent. I am so happy that the show is in something of a revival right now. It’s a long-overdue, glorious return to funny. The last dozen or so SNLs have had me in stitches on more than one occasion. The digital shorts and the fake commercials are superb, the guest hosts are good again, and even the news is smart and witty. I miss Tina Fey, but whatshisface and Amy Poehler are doing a great job. I am kind of tired of so many recurring sketches, but I can live with it. I’m just glad that it’s finally stopped playing second-fiddle to The Daily Show and Best Week Ever. Those two shows are usually side-splitting and I had been more than a little bit sad that NBC’s classic favorite, the show I’ve watched since I was ten or twelve, had fallen into irrelevance. Now it’s back to being a standard and it’s worth watching.

Graaaagh! Welcome to the shambling, decaying world of unlife! As a newly-infected zombie, your raison d’être is to catch and devour the brains of the living, as clumsily as possible.

Davezilla — a site I’ve read for so long that I can no longer remember when I started reading it, which means it’s probably since before you even knew there was an internet — was feeling down in the dumps a few days ago. He asked his readers to raise his spirits. People started posting jokes. Some of them are classics. Some of them are jaw-droppingly awful. But they are completely uncensored and the majority of them will make you laugh.

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra …

I got a new insulated coffee mug a few days ago. There was a little slip of paper inside it with “instructions”. This is a coffee mug. It’s very nice and this morning it did an excellent job of keeping my coffee hot while I drove to the office. Here’s a bit of the writing which was printed on the card:

There is also a prominent reference to “the drinking hole” and a caution to keep it away from children when filled with hot liquid. It’s not really clear whether they are warning me about children who may be filled with hot liquid or if they are warning me about hot liquid in the mug.
I feel compelled to tell you that (a) I cannot guarantee that everything I put in this mug will be delicious, (b) I don’t usually make my coffee using a fire, (c) I don’t really consider coffee “food”, (d) there’s no way to “screw the lid tight” because it just pops on and off, and (e) I hardly ever find myself in a field these days. Oh, those wacky Chinese insulated coffee mug manufacturer instruction translators! They just kill me.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

Making fun of “homeland security” still makes me giggle. I remember when I first saw these hysterical warnings just after 9/11. They made me laugh until I cried. A half a decade later I still smile when I see them.

Every now and again I’ll see one of these in someone’s forum signature or a blog post and I’m reminded of how great it felt to just laugh back then. It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than five years since that day. It seems like only yesterday.

When my mom was in college she had a part-time job as an usher at a movie theater. The only film shown the entire time she worked there was The Sound of Music. She must have seen it hundreds of times. I’ve caught pieces and bits of it over the years, but have never actually seen the whole thing. All I know is that it’s about a nanny and Nazis. Whatever. My mom always has had a soft spot for Julie Andrews, so it’s little surprise that one of my all-time favorite movies as a kid was Mary Poppins. I loved the singing. I loved the songs. I loved Dick Van Dyke as a chimney sweep. (I think there were penguins, too.)

This morning I found a link on TheBrad’s site to a story about Julie Andrews participating in a promotion for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I mean, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, how great is is that the word they gave her was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? (video)

Today marks my 2500th day of blogging. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than with two lovely collections of elephant jokes. I love elephant jokes.
And while you’re enjoying these elephant jokes, why not make a donation to The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee? What a fine thing to do on a Wednesday afternoon!

My friend Joy asked me if I’d seen The Shining, the classic Stephen King movie. I saw it years and years ago, on an ancient technology known as a “VCR”, if you can believe that. (I have read the book — an even more ancient technology — several times.) She asked me if I’d seen the trailer on YouTube. This is where it gets awesome. Check out this misleading trailer.

I love it! It’s an entirely new genre of web fun! Has anyone found any more of these?

Update:: Apparently I’m almost exactly one year late on this one.

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From TheBrad comes news of a project to put a Geostationary Banana Over Texas. Obviously I am in love with the URL. (It’s hard to believe that someone else hadn’t already registered that particular domain name.) Plus it gives me another reason to use my favorite banana image before the end of the year. And I’ve been a big fan of putting things in geosynchronous orbit ever since I was a kid reading about the JLA’s space station …

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The new year is almost here, and so ends a four (five?) year tradition.

Nobody got me a “You Might Be a Redneck If …” calendar this year.

To tell you the truth: I’m pretty much okay with that. My mom got me a “Far Side” calendar and I have been sensing a distinct lack of Larsonesque zaniness in my life lately.

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