Been thinking about super-powers lately. I think a pretty cool super power would be the ability to give anyone the hiccups just by touching them. Another good one would be the ability to stop time. Oh, sure. I know what some of you are thinking: If you could stop time you’d probably freeze the world so you could perform some amazing act of cyber-terrorism or sex up Russel Crowe.

I’d freeze time while I was sitting in traffic.

I know what I would do. I’d freeze time while I was sitting in traffic on the 101 or the 405 or Ventura or Santa Monica. I’d get out of my car and walk forward 10 or fifteen vehicles. I’d tap on that guy’s window and say, “Hey there! How’s it going?” And when he looks at me, all confused, I’d say, “Y’know how sometimes you’re sitting in traffic? And you’re wondering why you’re not moving? Why am I sitting here going so slowly or stopped when there’s really no reason for it? What asshole is holding up the flow?” And when the guy nods and says, “Yeah, I hate that!” I’d slap him a good one and say, “You’re the asshole, buddy! What the hell are you doing? Now move it, you jerk!”

I also would have frozen time on the elevator this morning and given the uptight, reeking-of-perfume, grumpy lady who was staring at me like I’m a freak-o a swift kick in the behind.

Yeah. Super-hearing or the ability to fly or super-speed would be cool, too. I’d also like to have Green Lantern’s ring, maybe. And a Bat-utility-belt.

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